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The Keys to Personal Development

“For things to change, you have to change.” These words by Jim Rohn encapsulate a fundamental truth in personal development. Understanding and embracing this quote is pivotal in the journey toward growth. Let’s explore this statement’s significance and break down the acronym “Development,” revealing the essential characteristics for meaningful change. Watch our YouTube video below for more in-depth insight on this topic. Remember to share and subscribe to our channel for valuable personal development and transformation insights.

Deciding for Change

D – Decide: At the core of personal development lies the power of decision. It’s about committing fully to a path, understanding that to move forward, you must eliminate other options.

Embracing Eagerness

E – Eagerness: Recapture the excitement of anticipation. Channel that eagerness into your pursuit of growth, fueling your journey with enthusiasm and a relentless drive for progress.

Embodying Values

V – Values: Your values are the essence of who you are. They guide your actions and shape your identity. Embrace your unique set of values, allowing them to permeate every aspect of your life.

Consistency Every Day

E – Everyday: Success is not achieved overnight. It’s the result of consistent, disciplined effort every single day. Embrace the journey, knowing that small daily actions lead to significant long-term results.

Embracing Lifestyle Changes

L – Lifestyle: Transformation often requires leaving behind the familiar and stepping into the unknown. Are you prepared to let go of old habits and embrace the lifestyle necessary for your desired future?

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

O – Overcoming: Break free from the shackles of limiting beliefs. Challenge the narratives imposed upon you and take bold, decisive action to redefine your possibilities.

Harnessing the Power of Planning

P – Planning: Success favors the prepared mind. Embrace the power of planning, laying the groundwork for your aspirations and ensuring you’re equipped to navigate challenges along the way.

Cultivating a Growth Mindset

M – Mindset: Your mindset shapes your reality. Take ownership of your thoughts and beliefs, recognizing that you have the power to create the world you desire.

Managing Expectations

E – Expectations: Manage your expectations wisely. Recognize that unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and heartache, tempering them with realism and resilience.

Learning to Say No

N – NO: Learn the art of saying no. Prioritize your goals and guard your time fiercely, understanding that saying no to distractions is saying yes to your dreams.

Thriving Together

T – Together: Foster connections and collaborations. Recognize the value of community and support as you embark on your journey of personal development. Remember, if you want to go far, go together.

Take Action Today!

Remember that transformation is within reach as you enter your personal development journey. Watch, share, and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more insights and guidance on your path to growth. For addiction treatment and support, contact Buckeye Recovery Network at 949.258.7580.

The Backpack of Life in Addiction Recovery

Imagine carrying a heavy backpack everywhere you go. But this isn’t just any backpack—it’s filled with the weight of your past: regrets, traumas, and unresolved emotions. This metaphorical burden, known as The Backpack of Life, weighs on your shoulders, influencing every aspect of your journey. Join us as we explore this concept through personal anecdotes and insightful reflections. We explore the profound impact of addiction on individuals’ lives and the transformative power of shedding the past’s burdens. Watch our YouTube video below to gain a more in-depth understanding, and don’t forget to share and subscribe to our channel for more insightful content.

Understanding The Backpack of Life

Addiction isn’t just physical; it’s a complex mix of psychological and emotional burdens. The Backpack of Life represents the weight of past traumas, regrets, and unresolved emotions that individuals carry, often without realizing. Like a heavy burden, addiction strains the mind and spirit, profoundly impacting thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

When suffering loses its value, healing becomes instantaneous. Confronting The Backpack of Life helps individuals break free from addiction’s chains, paving the way for healing and growth.

Codependent Toxic Relationships

In the realm of addiction, codependent toxic relationships only add to the weight of The Backpack of Life. These relationships, marked by dependency and enabling behaviors, further entangle individuals.

Awareness is crucial for liberation. Recognizing codependency patterns within The Backpack of Life empowers individuals to build healthier connections grounded in respect and support.

Take Action With Buckeye Recovery Today

Ready to embark on your journey towards healing? Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today at 949.258.7580 to take the first step towards liberation from addiction’s grip. Remember to watch our accompanying YouTube video for deeper insights and inspiration. Please share it with those who may benefit from it and subscribe to our YouTube channel to stay updated on our latest content.

Embracing Change in Addiction Recovery

If you seek to make changes in your life, it’s crucial to understand that it takes more than just wanting it. You need a set of essential ingredients to fuel your journey. Imagine a simple acronym, ‘CHANGE,’ representing the fundamental elements necessary for meaningful growth. From summoning the courage to face fears to embracing humility as you progress, each component is vital. Our YouTube video below explores the art of making meaningful changes in your life, especially in addiction recovery. Watch, share, and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more inspiring insights.

Defining "Change"

Change isn’t merely a concept; it’s a process that demands dedication and resilience. Let’s break down each ingredient of “CHANGE”:

C – Courage: Summon the bravery to confront your fears head-on. Despite the uncertainty, taking action is paramount.

C – Commitment: Sustain your momentum beyond the initial burst of motivation. Genuine commitment endures, even when enthusiasm wanes.

C – Compassion: Practice kindness towards yourself. Silence the inner critic and embrace self-compassion as you navigate challenges.

H – Honesty: Align your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Acknowledge and express your emotions authentically, without judgment.

H – Help: Recognize the power of seeking assistance. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards growth.

H – Humility: Stay grounded amidst progress. Remember your journey’s beginnings and remain humble as you evolve.

A – Accountability: Hold yourself responsible for your actions. Whether to yourself or others, accountability fosters growth and integrity.

A – Adaptability: Embrace flexibility in your approach. Be willing to pivot and adjust course when necessary, embracing detours as part of the journey.

A – Acceptance: Embrace yourself unconditionally. True transformation begins with accepting yourself at every stage of the process.

N – NO: Set boundaries and prioritize self-care. Master the art of saying no to protect your well-being and honor your goals.

G – Goals: Set clear objectives and milestones. Our video “6 Steps to Riches” guides you through establishing and managing goals effectively.

G – Generosity: Share what you can, however small. Cultivate a spirit of giving, knowing that generosity breeds abundance.

G – Gratitude: Express appreciation openly. Gratitude fuels positivity and connection, enriching your journey with meaning.

E – Everyday: Consistency is key. Take daily actions aligned with your goals, knowing that progress is made one step at a time.

Your Journey Starts Now

Change is not just about starting; it’s about finishing with integrity. At Buckeye Recovery Network, we’re here to support you every step of the way. If you’re ready to embark on a transformative journey toward addiction recovery, call us today at 949.258.7580. Watch, share, and subscribe to our YouTube channel for insights, guidance, and inspiration. Remember, the power to change lies within you. How bad do you want it?

9 Emotional Masks in Addiction Recovery

In Japanese culture, it’s said you have three faces: one for the world, one for close ones, and one deeply hidden. Going beyond that, let’s uncover the nine emotional masks people hide behind. Understanding these emotional masks can be particularly enlightening for those in addiction recovery, offering invaluable insights into the complexities of identity and self-discovery on the path to healing. For a more detailed explanation of this topic, watch our YouTube video below and share it with anyone you think may benefit. Additionally, subscribe to our channel for more inspiring insights.

Understanding the 9 Emotional Masks

Emotional masks serve as shields, concealing our true selves from the world. These masks, rooted in past experiences, traumas, and unresolved emotions, manifest in various forms, each with its unique purpose. Let’s uncover the nine masks:

  1. The Humorist: Using humor to deflect deeper emotions.
  2. The Overachiever: Striving for success to mask insecurities.
  3. The Martyr: Sacrificing for others to gain validation.
  4. The Bully: Projecting strength to cover vulnerabilities.
  5. The Control Freak: Seeking control amidst chaos and uncertainty.
  6. The Self-Basher: Criticizing oneself as a defense mechanism.
  7. The People-Pleaser: Prioritizing others’ needs over one’s own.
  8. The Introvert: Withdrawing to avoid confronting inner turmoil.
  9. The Social Butterfly: Seeking constant external validation through social interactions.

Unmasking the Masks

Our video above offers invaluable insights and eight practical tips for peeling away these masks and embracing authenticity. By confronting our fears, acknowledging our genuine emotions, and aligning with our core values, we can embark on a journey toward genuine self-expression.

Questions to Consider:

To further your understanding, ponder these questions:

  • When and where did you learn to wear your mask?
  • How does it serve or hinder you? What are the costs?
  • What does living authentically look like for you?
  • What fears hold you back from removing the mask?

Take Action with Buckeye Recovery Network!

Ready to shed your emotional masks and embark on a path to genuine living? Contact Buckeye Recovery Network at 949.258.7580 to explore our tailored addiction treatment programs. Don’t forget to watch, share, and subscribe to our YouTube channel for more empowering content.

Follow your Values and Do the Right Thing

To understand and implement your personal values first you got to clearly define what your values are. President John F Kennedy said, “Stand for something or you will fall for anything.” So you got to make sure what are the things in my life that I stand for, what are your values? Are they honesty? Are they integrity? Are they healthy communication? Because if they are, every time you’re dishonest, every time you have no integrity, every time you communicate with passive aggressiveness, or with anger, you are living incongruent to your values. And what happens if we live incongruent to our values? That’s where a lot of stuff, frustration and guilt and shame, and lack of passion, and lack of motivation, lack of drive lives. When our values and our actions align that’s one of the strongest version of ourselves. And if you don’t know what your values are go online, look at values clarification exercises, identify your top 10 most important values, and then live by them. You’ll transform your experience. When you live by your values, if someone says my values is health and they’re eating crap and they’re sitting on a couch and they’re not moving, their values and their actions do not align. Therefore they’re going to feel bad about themselves. They might even go to the point of saying, “I don’t like myself, I hate myself.” But if someone says my values is health and they eat clean and they don’t consume crap on television and they go outside for an hour walk every day, all of a sudden they start to feel better and say, “I kind of like myself.” Values, actions, align them, it’s a positive thing.

Do the Right Thing when No One is Watching

This is very important because when we do the right thing when no one is watching, it creates this thing called integrity. Integrity for example, Integrity of furniture means it’s really strong and sturdy. Integrity of a human being allows them to not break despite of circumstances around them really really wanting to break them, despite of people around them, people, places and things really trying to break them. Integrity makes us stay whole and complete despite of circumstances. How do we develop our integrity? Do the right thing when no one’s watching. Do the right thing when no one’s watching, and that’s how we get to experience it. It’s a powerful, powerful thing. And in the early stages it’s easy to kind of do all the right things and say all the right things because you feel if the spotlight’s on and everyone’s watching and all that kind of stuff, but down the line when no one’s around who are you, and what are you doing, and how are you living your life?

Recovery is for Me

June 13th of 2008 is the day that I decided I can no longer live the way I’m living with drugs and alcohol, and I need to do something different for my life. At that time in my life, you got to understand this, I was pretty depressed. I was a 25 year old with no education, a 25 year old with no real job, a 25 year old that was struggling in all different aspects of life, no relationships, none of that stuff. And during that time my family was going through some stuff. My mom wasn’t feeling that well. She was diagnosed with some health conditions and I was just tired of hurting them, hurting mom and dad, and hurting all those people, and pretty much what I wanted to do was do it for my mom. I know in recovery there’s certain people that say if you don’t do it for yourself it doesn’t matter. I believe it’s okay in the beginning to do it for someone else but here’s the thing – that won’t work and it won’t sustain if that’s the only motivating factor. So eventually the goal of recovery is to go from being externally motivated which I was for my mom, to being internally motivated which is I’m here for myself. 

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Face your Fears and Embrace your Failures

Fears can be internal and these fears can be external, but we have to face our fears. What are some of our fears? The fear of intimacy, the fear of trusting people, the fear of getting sober, the fear of trying something and failing, the fear of trying something and actually succeeding, the fear of not being able to do the things I used to do, the fear of trying something I’ve never done before. We have to face our fears and if you’re wondering why, because everything that you want in your life is on the other side of your fear. Everything you want is on the other side of fear. We have an acronym system in the rooms of recovery. Fear is spelled F-E-A-R so we have an option with this word. You can either ‘Face Everything And Recover,’ or ‘F— Everything And Run.’ So when you’re faced with your fear you got two options – you deal with it, you face it, and you recover from it, and you learn something from it. Or you just say this is too much for me, I’m out the other way. That choice is yours, my friends, that choice is yours.

Is Drug Use Genetic?

Is it possible that it’s genetic if one member of family uses drugs, one of the parents, is it possible that one of the kids would inherit the genes to be receptive for using drugs? I am not going to sit here and say that genes and genetics don’t play a role in how we express ourselves and how it manifests and how it shows up in life, but I don’t want anybody in life to ever think that just because their mom or dad or grandparents had substance abuse issues, or were alcoholics or drug addicts, that because of that that they too will become that. That is categorically false. See it’s not the genes that get passed down from generation to generation that makes people engage in the use of substances. It’s the environment in which alcoholism and addiction exists. For example, if you have an alcoholic father and that alcoholic father comes home every night and is angry or is emotionally disconnected and it creates a space in life that the kid feels scared, or the kid feels unheard, or unseen, and they feel their parent doesn’t care about them, if they feel all those things and all of a sudden that kid goes one day and starts drinking alcohol, and all of a sudden it feels warm and feels comfortable, it feels happy and feels passionate, and feels they are okay, all of a sudden it wasn’t because they had the alcoholic gene. It’s because alcohol gave to them something that they were missing from their environment. 

So the environments of addiction get passed down which creates the same behaviors in them. That’s what I truly believe. We always have that nature versus nurture argument. I know nature has something to do with it but I’m telling you, it’s mostly nurtured because I know many people and Rula, I know people over I’m talking about more than a thousand people, that despite of any type of alcoholism and addiction in their family despite of having the potential gene, all that kind of stuff, they do not use. It doesn’t express itself in their lives because they chose for it not to. It’s treatable. I can’t say things are curable because I’ve seen other people come around later on in life and they can struggle again but it’s treatable on a daily basis, and I hope that helped you, I really do. I can do a longer time I try to answer your question in two minutes but that’s an hour response that I really would need to give.

Embrace Your Failures

Embracing failure is a part of every successful person’s story, it really is. We sometimes think that if I do something and I fail that means I’m a failure. No you’re not, people. Show me someone who’s never failed in their life and I’ll show you someone who’s never tried. Damn that was good huh. Show me someone who’s never failed in anything in their life and I’ll show you someone who’s never tried in anything in their life. Because if you try things you will fail. I say every week. Failure is not a bd thing. Failure is an awesome thing because it teaches us so much about what to do if we ever did it again. And then we got choices. Then our failure becomes where our wisdom exists. I’m a perfectionist and I’ve been a perfectionist since I was a child and that’s why substance abuse was a very weird thing for me. If you think about it, if someone’s a perfectionist why would they destroy their entire life? So imagine that the conflict that I was in but I’ve learned the beauty of failure even as a perfectionist because then it just allows me to perfect my craft a little bit even more with every failure.

Spirituality of Imperfection

There’s a book called The Spirituality of Imperfection, a pretty good book. It makes you kind of become friends with your perfectionism if you struggle with it. I liked it, it helped me out. But yeah, it’s an important thing for sure, to embrace it rather than reject it, or run from it, or be ashamed of it. It’s really good to be able to just own our failures. If you’ve tried something with your loved one and your child and it didn’t work out don’t be hard on yourself. It just taught you a lesson of what not to do again. But the parents that do something and it doesn’t work despite of professional guidance they do something doesn’t work and they fail through it when they repeat it again it’s still another lesson but you’re going against some evidence, you’re going against some personal evidence that it didn’t work once. You do it the second or third time. It really isn’t about that no more.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Recovery is Work. Have a Good Support System

Recovery, especially in the first few years, is work. You will only get out what you put in. I will share this and I’ll share it for those who struggle with addiction. When you stop the use of drugs and alcohol the only thing that gets better are the problems related to the use of drugs and alcohol. Everything else that you experienced prior to ever picking up a drink or drug, everything you are experiencing, and everything you will experience, will not go away because you stop using drugs and alcohol. If anything it comes in and just overwhelms you and floods you and makes it even harder to process and handle at first. If you’re a family member and your loved ones stop using drugs and alcohol and you think everything’s going to be okay, no it’s not. Don’t lie to yourself – the only thing that’s going to be okay now are the problems related to their drug and alcohol use are going to go away. Everything else about your inability to communicate with them, with your lack of trust to them, with your fear of their relapse, with your financial frustrations of supporting someone when you’re barely able to support yourself, none of that stuff goes away. If anything, it just starts to surface itself. So I don’t want anyone here to be under the wrong impression that when you stop using drugs and alcohol everything gets better. You want to know when it gets better? When you get better. If you want your life to change then you have to change. Straight up changing the use of substances or stopping uses that’s absolutely a positive change, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the end-all be-all.

The Power of Choice

Let’s see what Jess said. “That’s very similar to my upbringing being around constant cigarette smoke from my family and my two siblings became smokers. I never touched a single one because of always hating to be around it.” Yeah that’s really it. Then there could be someone that in your situation Jess would say, “I started smoking at the age of 13 because it felt so normal to me because everyone around me was doing it. So I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.” So that’s the individuality that I’m talking about, that’s the power of choice that sometimes we think we don’t have. The only time you can actually see things and resolve them is when you can see them clearly. Not behind goggles. And you’re able to see them and you’re like, alright I have to deal with this right now because if I don’t, if I just sweep it under the rug, what’s gonna happen? The smell is going to come out sooner or later.

Understand the Value of Support Systems

Here’s why it is important to understand the value of support systems. Early stages of recovery are scary. Early stages of recovery are, let’s use a metaphor. It’s dark, it’s unfamiliar, it’s unsettling, the fear of the unknown. What do support systems do? They create light in the midst of that darkness. Support systems guide us through the fear of that initial unknown. These support systems give us a sense of identification that makes us feel that even though nothing is okay that everything could be okay if I just stick around this little support system. When you are doing something new for the first time and you have no idea how to do it that’s when a support system comes in and breathes air into the lungs that are just hyperventilating and scared. None of us, including myself, have gotten to where we get to in the recovery process without support systems. Now these support systems can be family, they could be genuinely family members, moms, dads, siblings, spouses, grandparents, friends, upbringing that kind of stuff, but if you’re like “I don’t have a healthy one of those so I’m screwed,” no you’re not. Our family of origin doesn’t necessarily have to be our family of choice. If you come from a dysfunctional background with a lot of toxicity and addictions and mental illness and in chaos and abandonment and all that kind of stuff, and you’re like, “well, I don’t have a healthy family so I have no support system,” you can’t believe that narrative. Your family of origin may have put you in a disadvantage but you’re an adult.

Create a Family of Choice

They might not have the same biological characteristics or they might not share the same last names but a family of choice can still be family. And then support system can also be non-family members, people we meet in support groups, people we meet in the community, some of the closest human beings you’ll ever meet in your life have nothing to do with your family and that’s what we have to embrace. And if you can’t find them in traditional places 12-step meetings or support groups or church, maybe you find some in working out in a gym, maybe you find some in a book club, in a hiking club, whatever it is maybe you just find support for yourself because I’m telling you this my friends, as something who watched firsthand. It happened to me and my family. 

Two months ago on this exact date, April 10, 2023 was when my brother passed away. Today is June 10, 2023. I’m still here, my mom is still here, my dad is still here. You want to know why we’re all still here? Because of support systems, because of support systems. And we really really really need that. And here I mean I’m telling you, when someone like Jim says finding a new support system saved my life, he is talking literally. Because of the lifestyle that he had at the time, homeless, just living like a street creature, no offense to him. I know you’re okay with me saying those things. He needed that support system save his life because what he was doing was life and death. But what about this? Sometimes there’s family members that come in for the addiction of a loved one. Their life and death is not in jeopardy because they’re not the one using the substances but they’re in an existential crisis – they’re going through life and death inside their mind with their loved one and they need the same support system to be able to save their lives, to save their sanity.

When I find recovery and I do for 15 years, their worlds are by association also improving. To the point that where this tragedy hit close to our home a little bit ago I was able to suit up and show up despite of my own experience for others and to be able to help heal and work through all this stuff together. I never thought that was going to happen when I started this journey but those are the kind of the gifts of recovery.

Support System is a Big Family

Hussein said, “With support system I feel we are all a big family going through this lifetime journey and gives me so much hope and strength.” Yeah, because when we go through it originally it’s very lonely for us. His family for example, they probably thought that they’re the only people going through this, they thought they’re the only people going through this, and who do you talk to? You can’t talk to your actual family about it because there’s shame involved and then all of a sudden you meet other families, moms and dads, and they’re sharing very similar stories, and it allows us to get that strength to work through this. “Family of origin that is chaotic can lead us to clarity of what we do not want to do, not only for ourselves but also when we have our children and grandchildren.” 

I mean everybody’s a teacher. Some people teach us what to do and some people teach us what not to do. There’s a very good analogy that I heard somewhere that I’ll share with you. I think it’s pretty cool. So there were two identical brothers, two brothers, twin brothers we’ll call them. And they both had an alcoholic father. One of the brothers became an alcoholic and one of them never drank a sip of alcohol. When they asked the brothers, so they asked the alcoholic, “hey why are you an alcoholic?” and he said, “I watched my father.” And they asked the other brother who never drank a sip of alcohol, “why did you never sip a drink of alcohol?” He said, “because I watched my father.” See, two versions from the same story. Oftentimes people that are chaotic or toxic or abusive or this and that they might not teach us what to do but they sure as heck teach us what not to do and that becomes a choice. So as Eileen said here it allowed her to be able to, when we have children and grandchildren, to be able to raise them differently. Either you do it or you don’t. If you do, you break multi-generational patterns of chaos and dysfunction and if you don’t unfortunately my friends history will repeat itself. I hope that’s not the case for most of you. I hope you’re able to break those patterns.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

2 Things that are Key to my Personal Transformation

After 15 years of being sober, as someone who went through the recovery process, someone who understands the recovery process, to be able to share with you what some of those nuggets of wisdom and experience are to hopefully help you. And if you’re watching this and saying you never had a substance problem, it doesn’t matter, we are all recovering from something that takes away the pain. Some of you might be recovering from codependency, some of you might be recovering from childhood trauma, some of you might be recovering from post Covid depression, some of you might be recovering from ending an old life and starting a new one, and some of you might be recovering from drugs and alcohol like most of us on this station. But regardless I want to share these nuggets.

Belief in the Possibility of Human Transformation

The number one thing that I believe is important is the belief in the possibility of human transformation. So when people come into recovery they’re usually pretty down and out on themselves. They’re experiencing symptoms like depression, anxiety. You could be a family member – by the way too you are probably having some type of guilt or some type of shame or some type of internal dialogue with yourself or the coulda-woulda-shouldas, and is this my fault, and blah blah blah. But you have to believe that you can transform from that hopeless state of mind and body. Sometimes the individual might not have the belief themselves. They might not believe themselves that they can do it then you just got to believe that someone else believes. I did this talk this morning with our program participants and I said, “Hey man, I don’t care if you guys don’t believe you can change. You just have to believe that. I believe it because I wouldn’t be coming every Saturday morning and doing a talk with all the clients if I didn’t believe in the possibility of human transformation. And then on top of that one I want to add is, don’t ever stop dreaming. And yes, even if you’re an adult, even if you’re a parent, even if you’re a grandparent, which I know I got a few watching this. 

Don’t ever stop dreaming. Why do I say something like that is because have you noticed children when they’re growing up, they tell their parents and their teachers I want to do this when I grow up, I want to be this when I grow up, this is what I want to do with my life. And what does everybody say? You can do it, you can do it, there’s nothing is impossible in this life. But as soon as we become young adults and you tell your family members what you want to do, or who you want to be with, or where you want to go, what do they say? No no no no no no, not that, that’s a bad idea, you can’t make a living doing that, that person’s not going to be good for you. And all of a sudden they tell us to stop dreaming. Well I’m telling you this as infants in the recovery world when you’re coming new to this recovery stuff, if you have a lot of dreams, if you have a lot of goals and desires, double down on them. Dreams can come true. Just go to work at it.

Get Clear on your Why

The number two thing that I have from the 15 years of experience I’m trying to share is to really really really get clear and understand what is your why. Why are you doing this recovery thing? Why are you committing to a life that is completely different than the previous version of the life you were living? Because for a person who knows his why, the how takes care of itself. When you know why you’re doing something you’re going to figure out how to do it but if you don’t know why you’re doing it, as soon as you’re faced with adversity, challenges, struggles, obstacles, you’re gonna go change course, change gear, go to a different direction. You got to get clear with your why. Show me a person who knows their why and I’ll tell you a person that’s gonna get there. And this is the time I usually recommend a book it’s called ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Victor Frankl. I strongly suggest it to anybody who does not know their why, and I believe it’s a powerful tool that we can add to our recovery arsenal. I don’t know what your why is – everybody’s why is different. The why that I have, if you’re curious to know, is to do what I can to make the world a better place, that’s it. Some of you might think that’s not enough for me. That’s okay, maybe that’s not your why. My why is to do what I can to make the world a better place. How do I do that? To make every interaction I have with somebody to improve the quality of their life, to leave places better than I found them, to constantly challenge myself with making this world a better place. I don’t know what it is but whatever it is you got to make sure you know your why.

External Motivation

I said earlier in the talk you could be externally motivated. Counselor Jim got into recovery because he was faced with you either do this or you go to prison. So he was externally motivated at first to get the judge off his back, to get the court off his back, to get the probation off his back. He had different ulterior motives but here’s the thing. Once all of those things were off of his back, once the judge no longer gave him a nudge, once the probation was no longer knocking on the door, once the record was clear, he continued on and I promise you, there was something he found there that became his new why. So yes, our why can change. Like I said earlier, my why was because my mom was just crying herself to sleep every night and I didn’t want her to experience that anymore. That was my why in the beginning. That’s not the case right now. That’s not the case 7, 10, 15, 12 years ago I found a new why. So it evolves like everything else in life.

Having a Reason creates Commitment

It’s got to be a reason that’s so strong that compels us and pulls us through the challenges of life. So if the reason is very surface level the commitment is also going to be surface level. If the reason is big, I just taught you guys last week about my my dear mentor Francia Mac who passed away. He always said, “In life you got to take on something bigger than yourselves, take on something greater than yourself, because by doing so the little obstacles in life tend to go away.” If you take on world hunger, he did by running over 60 or 70 marathons. If you take on world hunger then all of a sudden, “Oh I’m feeling a little hungry today” goes away. So by doing something big you resolve the little issues in life, big time. Believe in that.

Waking up from Depression

Katalin says, “My why was because I felt I had something to create in this world and I had to wake up from my depression.” See how powerful that is? It’s such a powerful message right there Katalin, because the person’s laying in bed knowing that they got something more to give to this world than to create something in this world, but their depression is so loud that they can’t get up and do it until one day the depression was so loud and she’s like, “I’m not gonna live like this anymore. I have more to do, I have things to accomplish, I have unfinished business,” and that’s where it started.

Pain Gives Purpose

Recovery is the most selfish and selfless thing I do. Isn’t that weird? It’s selfish and selfless at the same time. And by the way, that’s okay, you got into it because of other people, you stay in it because of yourself. And that’s like I said, going from being externally to internally motivated. What I actually do is helping other people, but it came from the opposite of it – it’s starting from you going out, rather from out going in, which is pretty powerful. 

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15 years of recovery, personal development, and transformation (Part 1)

What is up everyone? Happy Saturday! It is Saturday June 10th of 2023. We are back with another family education and support group. We already got our first person in. Miss Jess from West Virginia. Let’s make sure. Last time I think I said she was from Pennsylvania, so hey, tomato – tomato. Just kidding, just kidding! You’re welcome here. Jim, what up my man, good to see you as always! And today’s gonna be a really cool one. So we got Debbie from Miami, what’s up? Welcome back! You guys are always great! And whoever else pops up, good morning in advance. We got some more. Marilyn from Seattle, Washington. I know it’s from Seattle, that’s cool. This is nice man, look at this, we got all these different people – we got pretty much the west coast and the East Coast covered, pretty sure. I’m excited. I know pretty sure we’ll get maybe some Middle East, the Middle East you get in here too right now. That’d be cool. We got Pacific Sands Recovery Center in, yeah this is great! So thank you so much everyone for being here already and getting into this family education support group with myself. And oh CJ! I got to say hi to all these people. My cousin, the Flaherties! Good morning everyone! The first part of this is just saying hi. So hello everyone! Alright, so today is it’s going to be an interesting group.

 

Quick introduction about myself. My name is Parham. I come here each and every single Saturday for the most part. Once in a while you’ll see me miss a few but nothing too out of the ordinary. Let’s say if there’s 52 of these in the year I’ll probably get to about 46 of them so I got a pretty good ratio. What I want to do is this. First let me introduce myself. My name is Parham. I have a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Ttherapy. I’m a licensed Addictions Counselor. I am a high school basketball coach and an avid pickleball player. I’m also in the recovery process myself, so June 13th of 2008 is the day that I decided I can no longer live the way I’m living with drugs and alcohol, and I need to do something different for my life. And speaking of the motivational points, Mom and Dad just popped on. At that time in my life, you got to understand this, I was pretty depressed. I was a 25 year old with no education, a 25 year old with no real job, a 25 year old that was struggling in all different aspects of life, no relationships, none of that stuff. And during that time my family was going through some stuff. My mom wasn’t feeling that well. She was diagnosed with some health conditions and I was just tired of hurting them, hurting mom and dad, and hurting all those people, and pretty much what I wanted to do was do it for my mom. I know in recovery there’s certain people that say if you don’t do it for yourself it doesn’t matter. I believe it’s okay in the beginning to do it for someone else but here’s the thing – that won’t work and it won’t sustain if that’s the only motivating factor. So eventually the goal of recovery is to go from being externally motivated which I was for my mom, to being internally motivated which is I’m here for myself. 

 

This is pretty cool. We got a Sharon which I don’t think I know yet but I do know it’s in this space. “I love being here with you from Florida, from my office after I hold a group in recovery.” I think I already gave a shout out to Sharon last week to thank you for the work you do in the space. I really mean that. We need more people out there that are doing this. 

 

So what I thought about doing is on Tuesday if knock on wood everything works out as planned I will be celebrating 15 years of a new life. In the program we know that we don’t get fronts so someone, an old timer like Jim, would tell us we don’t get fronts. So what? I’m not giving myself a front and I’m not saying I have that time yet but I wanted to do a talk that’s a two-week part one, part two. And the goal of this talk is to be able to capture 15 things from my perspective of someone who went through the recovery process, someone who understands the recovery process, to be able to share with you what some of those nuggets of wisdom and experience are to hopefully help you. And if you’re watching this and saying you never had a substance problem, it doesn’t matter, we are all recovering from something that takes away the pain. Some of you might be recovering from codependency, some of you might be recovering from childhood trauma, some of you might be recovering from post Covid depression, some of you might be recovering from ending an old life and starting a new one, and some of you might be recovering from drugs and alcohol like most of us on this station. But regardless I want to share these nuggets. I’m only sharing half of them today and half of them after my birthday so that way I’m not giving fronts. I’m kind of messing with the line a little bit but I think you’ll understand. Oh and real quick before I get into that. This is for all the local people. Starting Tuesday at Buckeye Recovery Network at 6:30 P.M every Tuesday for the most part I’ll be facilitating a one hour to one hour and a half, a family support group and it is always free of charge. There is no upsell. The only purpose of it is to be able to provide a support group for people that may need it so you’re all welcome to come there. Shoot me a message and I’ll give you the address and all that kind of stuff. Can it also be in Zoom? I don’t think so and here’s the reason why because if somebody comes in there and they’re sitting inside the group and this is going to be more group therapy it’s not just a support group that everyone just raises and shares and everyone claps I’m giving feedback and if somebody starts talking about their loved one or their identified patient or they start using the name of their spouse for example in the therapy session or in a group session I can’t promise them that their confidentiality can’t be upheld when it’s virtual so what I can do when people are there is create a space so if you’re ever in town from San Jose on a Tuesday you’re welcome to come is what I’m trying to say.

 

So the 15 years of recovering, 15 years of transformation, 15 years of personal development, I’m going to summarize into 15 little key factors for you. 

 

  1. The number one thing that I believe is important is the belief in the possibility of human transformation. So when people come into recovery they’re usually pretty down and out on themselves. They’re experiencing symptoms like depression, anxiety. You could be a family member – by the way too you are probably having some type of guilt or some type of shame or some type of internal dialogue with yourself or the coulda-woulda-shouldas, and is this my fault, and blah blah blah. But you have to believe that you can transform from that hopeless state of mind and body. Sometimes the individual might not have the belief themselves. They might not believe themselves that they can do it then you just got to believe that someone else believes. I did this talk this morning with our program participants and I said, “Hey man, I don’t care if you guys don’t believe you can change. You just have to believe that. I believe it because I wouldn’t be coming every Saturday morning and doing a talk with all the clients if I didn’t believe in the possibility of human transformation. And then on top of that one I want to add is, don’t ever stop dreaming. And yes, even if you’re an adult, even if you’re a parent, even if you’re a grandparent, which I know I got a few watching this. Don’t ever stop dreaming. Why do I say something like that is because have you noticed children when they’re growing up, they tell their parents and their teachers I want to do this when I grow up, I want to be this when I grow up, this is what I want to do with my life. And what does everybody say? You can do it, you can do it, there’s nothing is impossible in this life. But as soon as we become young adults and you tell your family members what you want to do, or who you want to be with, or where you want to go, what do they say? No no no no no no, not that, that’s a bad idea, you can’t make a living doing that, that person’s not going to be good for you. And all of a sudden they tell us to stop dreaming. Well I’m telling you this as infants in the recovery world when you’re coming new to this recovery stuff, if you have a lot of dreams, if you have a lot of goals and desires, double down on them. Look at this: “Dreams can come true. Just go to work at it.” And yes Sonia. Sonia is someone I’ve known for many many many years. She’s seen me in the downfall so 15 years is a big deal, I know, I know, thank you for your support through all these years, my friend. 

 

  1. The number two thing that I have on the the 15 years of experience I’m trying to share is to really really really get clear and understand what is your why. Why are you doing this recovery thing? Why are you committing to a life that is completely different than the previous version of the life you were living? Because for a person who knows his why, the how takes care of itself. When you know why you’re doing something you’re going to figure out how to do it but if you don’t know why you’re doing it, as soon as you’re faced with adversity, challenges, struggles, obstacles, you’re gonna go change course, change gear, go to a different direction. You got to get clear with your why. Show me a person who knows their why and I’ll tell you a person that’s gonna get there. And this is the time I usually recommend a book it’s called ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ by Victor Frankl. I strongly suggest it to anybody who does not know their why, and I believe it’s a powerful tool that we can add to our recovery arsenal. I don’t know what your why is – everybody’s why is different. The why that I have, if you’re curious to know, is to do what I can to make the world a better place, that’s it. Some of you might think that’s not enough for me. That’s okay, maybe that’s not your why. My why is to do what I can to make the world a better place. How do I do that? To make every interaction I have with somebody to improve the quality of their life, to leave places better than I found them, to constantly challenge myself with making this world a better place. I don’t know what it is but whatever it is you got to make sure you know your why. Look at this. This is actually really good Jim, thank you for sharing that, your why. I said earlier in the talk you could be externally motivated. Jim got into recovery because he was faced with you either do this or you go to prison. So he was externally motivated at first to get the judge off his back, to get the court off his back, to get the probation off his back. He had different ulterior motives but here’s the thing. Once all of those things were off of his back, once the judge no longer gave him a nudge, once the probation was no longer knocking on the door, once the record was clear, he continued on and I promise you, there was something he found there that became his new why. So yes, our why can change. Like I said earlier, my why was because my mom was just crying herself to sleep every night and I didn’t want her to experience that anymore. That was my why in the beginning. That’s not the case right now. That’s not the case 7, 10, 15, 12 years ago I found a new why. So it evolves like everything else in life. 

 

Hussein said, “Having a reason for doing creates a commitment.” Yeah and it’s got to be a reason that’s so strong that compels us and pulls us through the challenges of life. So if the reason is very surface level the commitment is also going to be surface level. If the reason is big, I just taught you guys last week about my dear mentor Francia Mac who passed away. He always said, “In life you got to take on something bigger than yourselves, take on something greater than yourself, because by doing so the little obstacles in life tend to go away.” If you take on world hunger, he did by running over 60 or 70 marathons. If you take on world hunger then all of a sudden, “oh I’m feeling a little hungry today” goes away. So by doing something big you resolve the little issues in life, big time. Believe in that. 

 

Let’s see what Katalin said. By the way, the same way some people are writing messages feel free to write. I put them up. It’s very interactive. It’s cool. If any of you are in a treatment center you may tell the person, like Kenny can put up a question something that I don’t mind. “My why was because I felt I had something to create in this world and I had to wake up from my depression.” See how powerful that is? It’s such a powerful message right there Katalin, because the person’s laying in bed knowing that they got something more to give to this world than to create something in this world, but their depression is so loud that they can’t get up and do it until one day the depression was so loud and she’s like, “I’m not gonna live like this anymore. I have more to do, I have things to accomplish, I have unfinished business,” and that’s where it started. Oh man, okay good, yeah the book is called Man’s Search for Meaning. It’s a short read. Highly recommend it for pretty much any age level and it’s heavy. The topic is pretty heavy but the context is beautiful.

 

Let’s see what CJ said. I like this participation it makes me do less work, I like that. So CJ said, “I got sober to give my pain a purpose to help others. Now at five years sober.” By the way, Congratulations, that’s a big deal! “I work at sobriety so I can be the person I want to be. For me recovery is the most selfish and selfless thing I do.” Isn’t that weird? It’s selfish and selfless at the same time. And by the way, that’s okay, you got into it because of other people, you stay in it because of yourself. And that’s like I said, going from being externally to internally motivated. What I actually do is helping other people, but it came from the opposite of it – it’s starting from you going out, rather from out going in, which is pretty powerful. Good stuff, good feedback everyone! 

 

  1. Number three that I have is understanding the value of support systems. And here’s why. Early stages of recovery are scary. Early stages of recovery are, let’s use a metaphor. It’s dark, it’s unfamiliar, it’s unsettling, the fear of the unknown. What do support systems do? They create light in the midst of that darkness. Support systems guide us through the fear of that initial unknown. These support systems give us a sense of identification that makes us feel that even though nothing is okay that everything could be okay if I just stick around this little support system. When you are doing something new for the first time and you have no idea how to do it that’s when a support system comes in and breathes air into the lungs that are just hyperventilating and scared. None of us, including myself, have gotten to where we get to in the recovery process without support systems. Now these support systems can be family, they could be genuinely family members, moms, dads, siblings, spouses, grandparents, friends, upbringing that kind of stuff, but if you’re like “I don’t have a healthy one of those so I’m screwed,” no you’re not. Our family of origin doesn’t necessarily have to be our family of choice. If you come from a dysfunctional background with a lot of toxicity and addictions and mental illness and in chaos and abandonment and all that kind of stuff, and you’re like, “well, I don’t have a healthy family so I have no support system,” you can’t believe that narrative. Your family of origin may have put you in a disadvantage but you’re an adult. You get to create a family of choice. They might not have the same biological characteristics or they might not share the same last names but a family of choice can still be family. And then support system can also be non-family members, people we meet in support groups, people we meet in the community, some of the closest human beings you’ll ever meet in your life have nothing to do with your family and that’s what we have to embrace. And if you can’t find them in traditional places 12-step meetings or support groups or church, maybe you find some in working out in a gym, maybe you find some in a book club, in a hiking club, whatever it is maybe you just find support for yourself because I’m telling you this my friends, as something who watched firsthand. It happened to me and my family. Two months ago on this exact date, April 10, 2023 was when my brother passed away. Today is June 10, 2023. I’m still here, my mom is still here, my dad is still here. You want to know why we’re all still here? Because of support systems, because of support systems. And we really really really need that. And here I mean I’m telling you, when someone like Jim says finding a new support system saved my life, he is talking literally. Because of the lifestyle that he had at the time, homeless, just living like a street creature, no offense to him. I know you’re okay with me saying those things. He needed that support system save his life because what he was doing was life and death. But what about this? Sometimes there’s family members that come in for the addiction of a loved one. Their life and death is not in jeopardy because they’re not the one using the substances but they’re in an existential crisis – they’re going through life and death inside their mind with their loved one and they need the same support system to be able to save their lives, to save their sanity. Leela, which is my cousin, first cousin, “Your answer in hard work not only helped you, it helped our little village and you contributed to our community, thank you for the start 15 years ago.” And that’s another thing – this is my cousin and they’re living in Orange County now, but for the most part we’re living in Indiana for my whole life and yeah, my active addiction at the time didn’t really impact their lives on a day-to-day basis. What if they would see me they’d feel sad, they probably got worried, if they saw me under the influence and this and that, which I know they did a few times. I’m sorry about that but all of a sudden when I find recovery and I do for 15 years, their worlds are by association also improving. To the point that where this tragedy hit close to our home a little bit ago I was able to suit up and show up despite of my own experience for others and to be able to help heal and work through all this stuff together. I never thought that was going to happen when I started this journey but those are the kind of the gifts of recovery.

 

Let’s see what Hussein said, “With support system I feel we are all a big family going through this lifetime journey and gives me so much hope and strength.” Yeah, because when we go through it originally it’s very lonely for us. His family for example, they probably thought that they’re the only people going through this, they thought they’re the only people going through this, and who do you talk to? You can’t talk to your actual family about it because there’s shame involved and then all of a sudden you meet other families, moms and dads, and they’re sharing very similar stories, and it allows us to get that strength to work through this. “Family of origin that is chaotic can lead us to clarity of what we do not want to do, not only for ourselves but also when we have our children and grandchildren.” Yeah, I mean everybody’s a teacher. Some people teach us what to do and some people teach us what not to do. There’s a very good analogy that I heard somewhere that I’ll share with you. I think it’s pretty cool. So there were two identical brothers, two brothers, twin brothers we’ll call them. And they both had an alcoholic father. One of the brothers became an alcoholic and one of them never drank a sip of alcohol. When they asked the brothers, so they asked the alcoholic, “hey why are you an alcoholic?” and he said, “I watched my father.” And they asked the other brother who never drank a sip of alcohol, “why did you never sip a drink of alcohol?” He said, “because I watched my father.” See, two versions from the same story. Oftentimes people that are chaotic or toxic or abusive or this and that they might not teach us what to do but they sure as heck teach us what not to do and that becomes a choice. So as Eileen said here it allowed her to be able to, when we have children and grandchildren, to be able to raise them differently. Either you do it or you don’t. If you do, you break multi-generational patterns of chaos and dysfunction and if you don’t unfortunately my friends history will repeat itself. I hope that’s not the case for most of you. I hope you’re able to break those patterns.

 

  1. The next one that I have is recovery, especially in the first few years, is work. You will only get out what you put in. I will share this and I’ll share it for those who struggle with addiction. When you stop the use of drugs and alcohol the only thing that gets better are the problems related to the use of drugs and alcohol. Everything else that you experienced prior to ever picking up a drink or drug, everything you are experiencing, and everything you will experience, will not go away because you stop using drugs and alcohol. If anything it comes in and just overwhelms you and floods you and makes it even harder to process and handle at first. If you’re a family member and your loved ones stop using drugs and alcohol and you think everything’s going to be okay, no it’s not. Don’t lie to yourself – the only thing that’s going to be okay now are the problems related to their drug and alcohol use are going to go away. Everything else about your inability to communicate with them, with your lack of trust to them, with your fear of their relapse, with your financial frustrations of supporting someone when you’re barely able to support yourself, none of that stuff goes away. If anything, it just starts to surface itself. So I don’t want anyone here to be under the wrong impression that when you stop using drugs and alcohol everything gets better. You want to know when it gets better? When you get better. If you want your life to change then you have to change. Straight up changing the use of substances or stopping uses that’s absolutely a positive change, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not the end-all be-all.

 

Let’s see what Jess said. “That’s very similar to my upbringing being around constant cigarette smoke from my family and my two siblings became smokers. I never touched a single one because of always hating to be around it.” Yeah that’s really it. Then there could be someone that in your situation Jess would say, “I started smoking at the age of 13 because it felt so normal to me because everyone around me was doing it. So I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.” So that’s the individuality that I’m talking about, that’s the power of choice that sometimes we think we don’t have. So Katalin, “Yes the difference is that now we see the other problems more clearly, but that’s okay, we can deal with them.” Yeah, she’s talking about when she discontinues the use of alcohol you’re able to see the other problems more clearly. The only time you can actually see things and resolve them is when you can see them clearly. Not behind goggles. And you’re able to see them and you’re like, alright I have to deal with this right now because if I don’t, if I just sweep it under the rug, what’s gonna happen? The smell is going to come out sooner or later.

 

  1. Number five that I have here is facing fears. And these fears can be internal and these fears can be external, but we have to face our fears. What are some of our fears? The fear of intimacy, the fear of trusting people, the fear of getting sober, the fear of trying something and failing, the fear of trying something and actually succeeding, the fear of not being able to do the things I used to do, the fear of trying something I’ve never done before. We have to face our fears and if you’re wondering why, because everything that you want in your life is on the other side of your fear. Everything you want is on the other side of fear. We have an acronym system in the rooms of recovery. Fear is spelled f-e-a-r so we have an option with this word. You can either ‘Face Everything And Recover,’ or ‘F— Everything And Run.’ So when you’re faced with your fear you got two options – you deal with it, you face it, and you recover from it, and you learn something from it. Or you just say this is too much for me, I’m out the other way. That choice is yours, my friends, that choice is yours. 

 

Thank you, I appreciate it, I’m not there yet Adrian, I got three days but I’m only doing half the talk today so I’m not taking no friends. I got three days but hey, I appreciate you. If you guys ever see big Adrian Lopez I think he’s got a lot of comedy stuff, go check them out in person. I’ve known for probably seven years now, a little longer than that, nine years now, good member of our sober community, go give him some love.

 

  1. The next one that I have on, number six, is embracing your failures. Embracing failures. Now let’s see what Rula said. Okay Rula, I’m gonna try to answer this to the best of my ability. “Is it possible that it’s genetic if one member of family uses drugs, one of the parents, is it possible that one of the kids would inherit the genes to be receptive for using drugs?” So this is a very good question and I’m gonna do my best to answer it because I believe a lot of people have the same question. I am not going to sit here and say that genes and genetics don’t play a role in how we express ourselves and how it manifests and how it shows up in life, but I don’t want anybody in life to ever think that just because their mom or dad or grandparents had substance abuse issues, or were alcoholics or drug addicts, that because of that that they too will become that. That is categorically false. See it’s not the genes that get passed down from generation to generation that makes people engage in the use of substances. It’s the environment in which alcoholism and addiction exists. For example, if you have an alcoholic father and that alcoholic father comes home every night and is angry or is emotionally disconnected and it creates a space in life that the kid feels scared, or the kid feels unheard, or unseen, and they feel their parent doesn’t care about them, if they feel all those things and all of a sudden that kid goes one day and starts drinking alcohol, and all of a sudden it feels warm and feels comfortable, it feels happy and feels passionate, and feels they are okay, all of a sudden it wasn’t because they had the alcoholic gene. It’s because alcohol gave to them something that they were missing from their environment. So the environments of addiction get passed down which creates the same behaviors in them. That’s what I truly believe. We always have that nature versus nurture argument. I know nature has something to do with it but I’m telling you it’s mostly nurtured because I know many people and Rula, I know people over I’m talking about more than a thousand people, that despite of any type of alcoholism and addiction in their family despite of having the potential gene, all that kind of stuff, they do not use. It doesn’t express itself in their lives because they chose for it not to. It’s treatable. I can’t say things are curable because I’ve seen other people come around later on in life and they can struggle again but it’s treatable on a daily basis, and I hope that helped you, I really do. I can do a longer time I try to answer your question in two minutes but that’s an hour response that I really would need to give.

 

“Another acronym for fear: Future Expectations Appearing Real.” Absolutely, absolutely and they’re never really good ones. It’s always the negative ones that scare you. And alcoholism helps us escape from trauma. So what do we got here? Oh the facing fears and some of them are external fears, internal and external, so we just gotta take them on head on and really handle them. I’m sorry, I was on embracing failure, that’s when she popped in. Sorry, my apologies, I just want to make sure I covered all that. So embracing failure is a part of every successful person’s story, it really is. We sometimes think that if I do something and I fail that means I’m a failure. No you’re not, people. Show me someone who’s never failed in their life and I’ll show you someone who’s never tried. Damn that was good huh. Show me someone who’s never failed in anything in their life and I’ll show you someone who’s never tried in anything in their life. Because if you try things you will fail. I say every week. Failure is not a bd thing. Failure is an awesome thing because it teaches us so much about what to do if we ever did it again. And then we got choices. Then our failure becomes where our wisdom exists. I’m a perfectionist and I’ve been a perfectionist since I was a child and that’s why substance abuse was a very weird thing for me. If you think about it, if someone’s a perfectionist why would they destroy their entire life? So imagine that the conflict that I was in but I’ve learned the beauty of failure even as a perfectionist because then it just allows me to perfect my craft a little bit even more with every failure. There’s a book called The Spirituality of Imperfection, a pretty good book. It makes you kind of become friends with your perfectionism if you struggle with it. I liked it, it helped me out. But yeah, it’s an important thing for sure, to embrace it rather than reject it, or run from it, or be ashamed of it. It’s really good to be able to just own our failures. If you’ve tried something with your loved one and your child and it didn’t work out don’t be hard on yourself. It just taught you a lesson of what not to do again. But the parents that do something and it doesn’t work despite of professional guidance they do something doesn’t work and they fail through it when they repeat it again it’s still another lesson but you’re going against some evidence, you’re going against some personal evidence that it didn’t work once. You do it the second or third time. It really isn’t about that no more. 

 

  1. So the next one that we have is number seven, doing the right thing, especially when no one is watching. This is very important right here because when we do the right thing when no one is watching, it creates this thing called integrity. Integrity for example, Integrity of furniture means it’s really strong and sturdy. Integrity of a human being allows them to not break despite of circumstances around them really really wanting to break them, despite of people around them, people, places and things really trying to break them. Integrity makes us stay whole and complete despite of circumstances. How do we develop our integrity? Do the right thing when no one’s watching. Do the right thing when no one’s watching, and that’s how we get to experience it. It’s a powerful, powerful thing. And in the early stages it’s easy to kind of do all the right things and say all the right things because you feel if the spotlight’s on and everyone’s watching and all that kind of stuff, but down the line when no one’s around who are you, and what are you doing, and how are you living your life? 

 

  1. And the very last one for today’s talk that I have is understanding and implementing personal values. So you got to clearly define what your values are. President John F Kennedy said, “Stand for something or you will fall for anything.” So you got to make sure what are the things in my life that I stand for, what are your values? Are they honesty? Are they integrity? Are they healthy communication? Because if they are, every time you’re dishonest, every time you have no integrity, every time you communicate with passive aggressiveness, or with anger, you are living incongruent to your values. And what happens if we live incongruent to our values? That’s where a lot of stuff, frustration and guilt and shame, and lack of passion, and lack of motivation, lack of drive lives. When our values and our actions align that’s one of the strongest version of ourselves. And if you don’t know what your values are go online, look at values clarification exercises, identify your top 10 most important values, and then live by them. You’ll transform your experience. When you live by your values, if someone says my values is health and they’re eating crap and they’re sitting on a couch and they’re not moving, their values and their actions do not align. Therefore they’re going to feel bad about themselves. They might even go to the point of saying, “I don’t like myself, I hate myself.” But if someone says my values is health and they eat clean and they don’t consume crap on television and they go outside for an hour walk every day, all of a sudden they start to feel better and say, “I kind of like myself.” Values, actions, align them, it’s a positive thing. 

 

And what did Marilyn say here? “Well in my mind it’s just a stumbling block.” Absolutely, we just gotta get up and move on, take on to the next 100, Marilyn. It’s some of these stumbling blocks – they build on each other and they allow us to eventually stand on them and see places we otherwise couldn’t see. So please tell me whoever’s watching, we got a lot of people watching this today, tell me what your takeaway is from today’s talk and we’ll put some up on the board and once we do we’ll kind of go from there. So hopefully this was some good stuff. This is only part one. Part two is next week. Part two is next week. So let’s see what some of your takeaways are from today’s talk and I’ll let you out of here. And again real quick, for anyone who came on late, every Tuesday 6:30 p.m Pacific Standard Time, Huntington Beach, California, in-person support group, free of charge, facilitated by myself. Anyone and everyone is welcome to come. There’s no sales gimmick, you don’t need your credit card, you don’t need your checkbook, you just need to come there to get some support for your mental health of yourself, maybe someone else going through the process, and to be able to create a little strong community and see what we can do from it. So thank you, for the thank you for the birthday wishes. They are on Tuesday I said so again not taking any fronts, cuz! Appreciate you guys, thank you. “Failure can translate to new opportunities with clear visions and responsibility.” Damn right, love the reminder of remembering our why. 100%! “Finding support and sticking with it.” “Learn, learn, learn, God bless you!” God bless you too, that’s a good one! “More deeply at myself and my plans.” That’d be another great session, thank you. Alright, so it’s all coming in right now. There’s some more, early congrats for 15 years, it will be after, yep I know it’ll be after but it’s okay. “Awareness brings change and challenges.” Look at this, all the students are becoming teachers now! Pretty soon I could just sit back and let everybody do whatever they got there. What did Marilyn say? “Everything that you talked about today is such an inspiration for all of us to follow. Using our life on this journey to be trained.” Yeah, that’ll make, that’s what I want for my birthday. Follow this stuff and let’s see where the journey takes you. but that’s what I got. I love and appreciate all of you. I will see you next week, same time, same place. Family education support. Have a wonderful wonderful week everyone, bye everyone!

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

3 Steps To Break the Cycle of Abuse

Breaking cycles is not a modern thing. I think the fundamental elements needed to break any type of cycle in life are actually timeless things, whether it was a thousand years ago, 500 years ago, current day or a thousand years from now. I believe in order to break multigenerational patterns and cycles of dysfunction and abuse there are certain characteristics. There’s no new technique that does it.

Step 1. Look at your Life and Reflect

Number one is you have to look at your life – you have to reflect, look at your life and answer the following question. Is the life I have, in the way that I’m experiencing this thing called life, what I want it to be, how I envisioned it to be? If the answer is yes, cool! If the answer is no, that’s where we move to the next stage.

Step 2: How and Why did Life end up this Way?

The next stage is, how did my life end up this way, why did my life end up this way? And that’s where the beauty of doing some healing work and reflective work into the past and looking at the different life experiences we had, the good, the bad, the ups and downs, the everything in between, looking at our traumas, looking at our family dynamics, looking at the way that we’ve experienced life, looking at the challenges we’ve gone through, processing them, talking through them, working through them.

Step 3: Break the Pattern

And once you get to the present moment, this is how patterns get broken. You make a commitment, a sincere desire followed by massive action to make the future look different than the past. If that commitment is there no matter what happens, as soon as you see red flags, you don’t engage. As soon as you feel certain feelings in your past that you’re feeling right now you don’t continue. As soon as you start hanging out with people that you shouldn’t be hanging out with you discontinue. As soon as you’re willing to change patterns in your life that were in the patterns of the past when you start to make those changes on a moment by moment by moment basis moving forward, ultimately those moments create this thing called the future. That future will be different than the past. When that future is different than the past it will no longer have the same cycles in it.

When do you Break the Cycle?

So there ain’t no modern version to do this. It comes from the basics – you look at your past, you look at your present, you look at your future. If you want your future to be different than your past you got to do something different. And by the way, when do people change and decide to break multigenerational patterns of dysfunction and abuse? Simple – when the pain of staying the same becomes too much. That pain threshold is different for everybody. I don’t know what it is for you but if you want to break that cycle the only human being that will break that cycle is you. No one can take that away from you. I strongly encourage that if you come from some type of family dysfunction, to do whatever you got to do to break the cycle. Because if you don’t you are susceptible to the high percentage of somewhere around 75 to 80% of repeating exactly what the hell happened to you to somebody else. So I’ll leave that up to you. 

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Kelsey Gearhart

Director of Business Development

Kelsey carries multiple years of experience working in the substance abuse and mental health treatment field. Her passion for this field comes from her personally knowing recovery from addiction.

Prior to Buckeye she held titles of Recovery Coach, Operations Director, and Admissions Director. Kelsey was brought on at Buckeye Recovery as the Director of Business Development. She has a passion for ensuring every individual gets the help that they need, and does so by developing relationships with other providers.

Kelsey also oversees our women’s sober living environments – The Chadwick House for Women. She is committed to creating a safe, nurturing, and conducive environment for all women that walk through the doors of Chadwick.