Anyone who started drinking or using substances probably started out in an innocent way. But when they are in too deep, no matter what the drugs and alcohol do to them and the lives around them, they continue to go back to them. It is very similar to an individual in an abusive relationship. We may ask them why they can’t just leave, but they continue to stay in the relationship. Understanding the patterns of what happens in an abusive relationship is very similar to what happens in an addiction.
Here, we talk through the 4 stages of the cycle of abuse in relationships and in addiction. We also talk about the steps to break this vicious cycle.
Stage 1: Building Tension
Imagine something getting tighter and tighter and tighter and more and more wound up. Building tension is similar to the things that happen in life. For example, your working hours may have suddenly been cut, or your landlord raised the rent, a loved one got sick. If you are in an abusive relationship, a situation like that can lead to acting out in an extreme way.
Applying this to addiction, this is the stage where something bad to happens to someone, like a bad breakup, or the death of someone close.
Stage 2: Incident of Abuse
In a new relationship, the first incident might be one of the partners raising their voice, or belittling the other. The response from the other person could be emotionally freezing, giving them the silent treatment, or be ready to walk out.
With addiction, this is the stage where the individual starts drinking alcohol, or using substances in an effort to cope with their emotions.
Stage 3: Reconciliation Process
This is the stage where the aggressor feels remorse, guilt and shame. They apologize, blame it on the tension and stress, and ask for forgiveness.
In terms of substance use, this is the stage where they might have got caught, gotten a DUI, or got kicked out of school, so they feel remorse, guilt and shame, and vow to never use again.
Stage 4: Honeymoon Phase
This is the phase where the aggressor showers their partner with gifts and flowers, the partner forgives them and all goes back to a seemingly normal relationship.
With addiction, this is the stage where the individual takes care of themselves, signs up for recovery, starts eating well, signs up for a gym membership, and so on.
How the Cycle of Abuse Repeats
If you consider these 4 stages as one cycle of abuse, as time goes on, the tension stage gets cut shorter, so there are fewer things to set off the person. However, the incident of abuse stage gets longer and more intense. Raised voices have now turned into screaming, throwing things, and maybe even physical abuse. If the other partner continues to stay in the relationship, it could even lead into freezing their funds, isolating them from their family, or locking them in or out. Despite all this, if the partner continues to stay in the relationship, the reconciliation process and the honeymoon phases disappear altogether. Their partners have been conditioned into learned helplessness.
The same pattern is seen in addiction, where eventually they are not using to ease or break the tension and stress, they no longer feel remorse or shame, they no longer have any coping skills other than drinking and using. They break their relationships, their commitments, they lose their jobs, go in and out of recovery, and the vicious cycle of abuse continues.
How to Break the Cycle of Abuse
The blueprint for getting out of an abusive relationship also applies to breaking the cycle of substance abuse.
- Prioritize yourself. If you are staying in a relationship because of your children, you are putting your children in a dysfunctional family unit, exposing them to childhood traumatic events. The best way out of this situation is to prioritize yourself first, and then the children can be brought to safety. With regards to having a child or partner who is struggling with addiction, it is still important to prioritize yourself first. Without taking care of yourself, you cannot be there for your child or partner.
- Establish boundaries. Having boundaries is essential to re-establishing yourself. Many people in abusive relationships feel that they are at fault, blame themselves, and feel that no one else can understand them. With therapy and support, you can learn to draw boundaries again. If you are a parent or a partner of someone struggling with addiction, establishing boundaries is crucial to combat against enabling them. This is especially true for financial boundaries.
3. Create an exit plan. Work with your support group, members of your family, and your therapist to strategize an exit plan. Where there is a will, there is a way. You can also find help through hotlines and support sites. In case of addiction, create a support network who can understand what you are going through, and can help you create an exit plan for recovery.
Break your Relationship with Addiction
Addiction is very similar to an abusive relationship, and just as painful and dangerous. You want to leave, but it can be scary, not knowing how to quit, what your options are, what is on the other side of recovery. At Buckeye Recovery, we are a Network of caregivers, a community of support, and those who thoroughly understand what you are going through. Reach out now to ask about next steps. Taking that first step is crucial for your recovery.
