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How to Overcome Fear that Change is too hard in Recovery?

One of the major fears in the recovery journey is the fear of change. Change can come in many different ways, and it’s the uncertainty of change that people fear. Fear that they may not be able to fix the mistakes they made in the past, fear that change is too hard, fear that this is a battle they will have to fight for the rest of their lives. That’s the wrong way to look at change. Change can be beautiful. Change can be transforming. Change can be empowering.

Fear that you will never fix your mistakes

This fear is categorically false. You can ask anybody that’s been a part of this thing that we call humanity. In society we love second chances, we love third chances, we love fourth chances. You want to know why? Because everybody’s waiting for the true version of that person to come out, and when he or she does society rallies around them. There were a lot of mistakes with guilt and shame and all that kind of stuff that I didn’t think I could overcome, but I could probably say I have the intention not to repeat them. So we do these things called living amends. We say, “if I harmed you or hurt you please forgive me.” If they don’t you just one day at a time live in a way that you’re able to one day get it and eventually they do. And if they don’t at least you know that you’ve never harmed another person that same way again, and it’s a very powerful thing. So some of you have guilt and shame for some of the actions you’ve taken or haven’t taken in the past. Don’t allow the fear that you’re never going to overcome those mistakes get in the way of your progress and your healing journey.

Fear that it’s too hard

Well, another newsflash! Another one that everything’s hard so staying actively drunk, ripping and burning and getting money for the lifestyle and getting high and getting by, that’s really hard, it really is. The hustle is hard. Doing the healing work, looking at your past, looking at your wrongs, taking different actions, changing your life, building a foundation, that’s hard. They’re both hard, so you got to just choose your hard. You just got to choose which one you want to do, this one or this one. So I can’t make that decision for you. If you’re signing into a detox right now and it feels like you’re looking up a mountain and you’re like, “dude, this is too hard,” so is addiction. Addiction is a mountain you’re looking up to. It’s just one you’re more familiar with. It’s all hard. You just gotta choose your hard.

Fear that you will have to battle the rest of your life

I don’t like to use the negative connotation of the word ‘battle.’ I like to use the word ‘dance’ – you might have to dance with this for your whole life. Sometimes, some chapters in life, the song is so mellow and you’re just barely there, just kind of slow dancing and smiling and it feels good. And sometimes the music turns into some crazy psychotic techno thing, and it’s overwhelming, the strobe lights are going and you don’t know what to do or how to dance. Or you’re just overwhelmed and flooded with emotions and you just gotta dance your way through it. This healing journey is not linear. There’s a lot of blind twists and turns but it’s not a battle every day, it just isn’t. In the early stages it is so please know, if you’re in your first six months of sobriety, and I’m like, “this ain’t a battle.” You’re like, “dude, I feel like I go to warning every day trying to stay clean.” It is hard at the beginning but eventually it starts to just be like a dance. It’s a part of your life and eventually you get familiar with the steps and the movement and the song and the rhythm and it becomes a lot easier. It becomes a way of life. Anybody that has a certain way in life they never say their way of life is hard. They just say, “it’s just what I do.”

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Fears About How To Handle Your Emotions In Recovery?

Out of the many fears that people face when they step on the recovery journey, some of them are fears around how their life is going to change. They are afraid that they would not know themselves anymore, or that they would not be able to handle their emotions, or that they would get bored. The truth is, for the first time in life, in recovery, you’re actually going to be able to learn how to handle your emotions. So it’s actually an irrational fear.

Fear that you won’t know who you are anymore

This is a fear people have in the healing journey that destroys their transformation. Well, I’ll tell you this. I’m going to give you a newsflash. What if, before your healing journey you have no idea who you were? Let me say that again. What if before you embarked on your healing journey you had no idea who you are anyways? Whenever we experience some type of trauma, whenever we experience some type of abandonment, a loss, whenever we experience some type of abuse, whenever we experience moving from town to town, whenever we experience financial difficulties and challenges when we’re a kid there is a high probability that we already got disconnected from ourselves, that we already lost connection with who and what we are. We go through life wearing these different hats and being these different characters and putting on these different masks, assuming and thinking that we know who we really are. But oftentimes we don’t until we do the deep work and the healing work and get to know ourselves. I told this to our program participants and I’ll tell it to you too, because I don’t see human beings being any different. They just happen to be in the program and you just happen to be at home, but we’re all the same.

The Mirror Experiment

If you just genuinely sat down in front of a mirror, full body, for five to ten minutes straight, no phone, no distractions and you just started looking at yourself, staring in your eyes like you’re looking at a person closely and just observing yourself, looking at your face, looking at your body, looking at yourself, there will be a profound experience. If you haven’t done something like this you will have a profound experience that at some point in that you will realize that you barely know yourself. Some of you will feel like you’re looking at a stranger. So there shouldn’t be any fear that if I go on this healing journey I won’t know who I am anymore. If anything, you should go on the healing journey so you can figure out who you are. That’s why we do this stuff, so we can get to know ourselves and here’s why.

We want to figure out who we are so we can be at peace with ourselves, because when you are at peace with yourself you’re at peace with the world and all of the people and places and things in it.

And that’s a place of empowerment, that’s a place of transformation, that’s a place that you can actually become who it is you’re trying to become in life. You go towards the end of using you don’t dare look inside of a mirror because you’re like, “who the hell is that monster? I don’t want to look at that person.” You’re going to recognize yourself but what if I told you six months down the line in recovery it could be the same process if you don’t do the work.

Fear that you won’t be able to handle your emotions

Many people that come in the healing journey they engaged with negative coping skills, destructive coping skills prior. It could be workaholism, it could be substance abuse, it could be promiscuity, it could be eating disorders, and then they say, “Well, if I go in this recovery thing how am I going to deal with my emotions? I’m not going to be able to handle my emotions.” Well, guess what, you never were able to handle your emotions. If you really break the denial and get honest with it, if you drink to deal with your anxiety you never handled your emotions. If you pop pills to deal with your emotional pain you never handled your emotions. If you shot cocaine to deal with your depression and get some energy you never dealt with your emotions. If you work 20 hours a day you never handled your emotions. If you had multiple partners and you’re always in the chase to get the next high of the relationship you never handled your emotions. If you have to spend money all the time you never handled your emotions. So the thought of the fact that you’re gonna get clean and sober now and you’re not going to be able to handle your emotions it’s actually not reality. It’s because you never were able to. For the first time you’re actually going to be able to learn how to handle your emotions. So it’s an irrational fear.

Fear that you will be bored

Well, the transformation work isn’t boring, it’s just intense, and afterwards it actually frees us, to free ourselves from the feeling of boredom. See, boredom is defined as the inability to sit with oneself. So when someone tells me they’re bored I don’t really see it as like, “oh it’s like a problem. They need to be stimulated.” I see it as this person can’t sit with themselves. Then the question comes, why can’t they sit with themselves? Why is it so uncomfortable to be with their thoughts, to be with themselves? What happened to them at some point in their life that they were so uncomfortable with their surroundings that they needed to do something or distract themselves or go somewhere just to not be with themselves? And if you’re in that case, if you have a hard time sitting with yourself and you think that there’s a lack of stimulation in life the problem isn’t out there. The problem’s in here. And that’s the opportunities that arise for us in the healing journey. They allow us to be able to break through that because once you’re able to achieve peace with yourself you can go out in nature and just go on a walk and experience a freedom that is completely the opposite of boredom. The hyper levels of stimulation we need for those of you again in the program that are dealing with substances, substance abuse, all that kind of stuff, you need constant stimulation. Adrenaline Junkies, this and that, and you think that’s the only way to achieve boredom. That’s just like a coping skill to not be with yourself, like the whole ‘addicted to chaos’ thing. The way you’re addicted to chaos, you love the chaotic life, you’re doing anything and everything you can to just not be with yourself. That’s pretty much all that’s happening. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. So that’s another fear right there.

Have Compassion for the Old You

We don’t want to be our old selves. It’s powerful to decide to change to die to ourselves and become something new. “Have compassion for the old you and create something new. -CJ” Damn right, I love that you wrote, have compassion for the old self because a lot of people that do the healing work, they have this weird distaste or negative connotation or negative feeling towards their past but here’s the thing. You can’t be who you are and you can never be who you’re gonna be without that person. So you better have some compassion and make friends with your past. Make friends with parts of yourself in the past at least and just know that you wouldn’t be here and you won’t be there if it wasn’t for that person. So I always have compassion for my past self and sometimes there are times in my life that I look at my 13, 14, 15 year old self and I am so proud of that person because he was so resilient and that’s so much perseverance and was so tough and dealt with so much anxiety and depression and he still made it. Wow, what a little guy that was! Some of you, by the way you know I can’t really talk on this public forum, but you’ve had some tough upbringings and childhoods and we look back and you’re so annoyed or resentful about it. How about you look at it and say, “wow man, what an awesome person that little kid was!” That kid was so tough, tough as nails, so be grateful for the different selves, the different past selves. Thank you for that CJ.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Afraid that you will Lose your Friends on Your Recovery Journey?

There are 3 fears that people inevitably face when they start their healing journey. Fears that you may lose your friends, people may not like the new you, and that people will judge you. While all of those may be true, you don’t need to be afraid of them. Yes, life will change, but for the better!

Fear that you will Lose Your Friends

Anytime you’re going through the healing journey there are certain people that were a part of the old life that probably won’t be a part of your new life because you can’t have both. Sometimes you got to let go of the old to embrace the new and I always say your new life is going to cost your old life. Are you willing to pay the price? So you’re gonna lose some friends – I call them acquaintances – they could be called using buddies. It could be just people of a certain lifestyle you’re going to lose them but you’ll meet some new people in your life that are really powerful and awesome. But then also you’ll be able to selectively find out who your true friends were, who the good people were, and they’re the ones. If you had 20 of them and maybe you only keep two and it’s always about quality over quantity. 

The fear of losing friends is not too significant but it does hit people sometimes, especially the younger population. If you’re in high school or college and your friends are your life, you know your friends are your everything. No, I’m not not judging it – it’s just what happens. In high school for example, you got 50 friends and the only reason a lot of those people are friends with each other is because they happen to go inside of the same building at the same time. Because they all live in the same city within like four or five miles. That’s the only reason these people are bunched up together. It’s not because they have interests or hobbies or likes. It’s not like they’re the same song, they vibe together long term. But you might keep a few like that. But for the most part life isn’t that way. It’s harder to make friends when you’re an adult but at least you get to pick what type of people you want to bring in your circle and who you want to give your energy to.

Fear that People will not like the New You

Well, newsflash! There is a very high probability that some people did not like the old you. It’s going to be so bad that in the healing journey and trying to transform people didn’t like the old you either, you know some people, and that’s okay. Because what’s the ultimate goal of the healing journey? That you can stand in front of a mirror and say, “I like the person looking back at me.” That’s the bar and if you don’t get to that bar you’re constantly gonna look for other people to approve you and you’re going to look for other people to validate you and you’re going to look for other people to say, “oh you’re a good person.” You can’t achieve that true essence of approval until you can approve yourself and that’s one of the byproducts of the healing journey.

Fear that People will judge you

I’m gonna give you a newsflash, my friends. Ready for this? Something you might not like. People are always judging you. People are always judging me. We are always judging people. So some people right now might say like my friend Sharon just said right there from Florida, “hey you’re great, thank you for what you do, I appreciate it.” Someone else might say, “hey these talks really help me.” Someone might say, “your face is annoying and I don’t like the way you talk. You’re actually cocky or condescending.” Someone might say, “this is a waste of my time.” Someone might say, “this is such a valuable use of my time.” We are always being judged and we are always judging people. So when you go on the healing journey, yes some people will judge you. They’ll say, “oh you gotta go get help for this.” This kind of stuff happens to everybody. Just get your s___ together. They’re gonna judge you and some people might say, “I’m so proud of the work you’re doing for looking in the mirror.” “I’m so proud of the fact that you’re trying to break multi-generational patterns of trauma in your family, keep going. We’re always going to get judged. So you can choose to listen to the negative stuff or stand in your truth, stand in your authenticity, and just keep moving forward in the direction that you need to go to get to know yourself. 

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Don’t Sabotage your Recovery with your Fears of Failure or Success

While there are many fears that can destroy your recovery journey, the two fears we are talking about here are kind of strange. Fear of failure stops many people in their tracks, but did you know fear of success can also sabotage your healing journey?

Fear of Failure

We’ve talked about this one numerous times. And the problem that we have with this is, people are so afraid of failing. And why are they afraid of failing? You want to know why? Because they get their past experiences of failure, so maybe they failed in a relationship, or at a job, or they failed with their fitness routine, or they failed with their ability to communicate with their loved ones. They take that experience, they bring it in the present moment, and they project it into the future.

“Whether you think you can, or you can’t, you’re right.” -Henry Ford

So in the present moment if I think that I’m gonna fail in the future guess what’s gonna happen my friends, you’re gonna fail. For those of you who are in the recovery process and you’re saying, “You know what, I’m going to relapse in the future,” you’re gonna relapse. And it’s not like, “oh I’m just a realist.” No, you’re not. We’re meant to be dreamers. We’re meant to have goals, dreams, aspirations, hopes. We’re not meant to be cynics and realists. Anybody that’s ever achieved something, what do they say? I made my dream become my reality. They don’t say, “oh it just happened. I made my dream become my reality,” because they believed they could. 

Everything in life happens twice – once in the level of the mind and once in reality. You have to visualize yourself and see yourself as someone that succeeded and it becomes true with the right actions. The hocus pocus stuff doesn’t happen unless you take the actions but the fear is something that’s really important.

Fear that you will Succeed

Now some people might say, “Well, Parham, isn’t that a good thing if I succeed?” Absolutely, but what happens is people have a fear that if they succeed then they have to maintain it and then they start saying, “I don’t know if I can maintain it, if I get the good job, how am I going to keep it? If I get the good relationship how am I going to keep it? If I get the sobriety how am I going to keep it?” That’s so overwhelming, that’s so scary. And you know what people do? They feel like they are not worthy of it, they feel like they don’t deserve it. So what do they do? That was my sound of self-sabotage and destruction. They blow it up. 

But if you’re reading this I want to tell you something: you are worthy of it, you deserve it. If you failed a bunch of times and you’re finally starting to taste a little bit of success I want you to sit in it, experience it, feel it, be grateful for it, and tell yourself, “I’m worthy of this success,” because a person that believes they deserve to succeed has a much higher probability of maintaining it. If some of you in the addiction recovery world if you’ve done a lot of bad things, let’s just call it what it is, you live the lifestyle that you’re not proud of, and now you’re achieving a little bit of happiness and joy and fulfillment in your sobriety where you’re like, “I just don’t deserve it,” you feel like an imposter and put all that stuff. Besides, you deserve it, we all deserve it. What is it besides the fact that we work hard to get positive things in our lives today? What else do we got? 

Anybody that’s ever succeeded in something and maintaining it is proof that it’s possible.

If you can ever break through the fear of success it’s by succeeding and maintaining it and having some tangible evidence that you’re able to do it. So if they’re able to do it you’re able to do it. We’re all the same species. By the way, I understand some of us might be more intellectually capable of doing certain things and some people might be more artistically capable of doing things and some people might be more creative and some people might be more oriented with numbers and stuff like that. Our intelligence manifests in different ways but we’re all the same species. If one species can do it I could do it, you know what I mean? If there’s a human out there that could do something I can do I’m going to be able to do it. For example, Kobe Bryant can play basketball. Maybe I can’t be Kobe Bryant but I can play basketball. Hope is a really important thing my friends.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Don’t Let This #1 Fear Stop Your Recovery Journey

Everyone who is reading this is probably on a journey of healing from something. Some of you might be healing from childhood trauma, some of you might be healing from grief and loss, some of you might be healing from substance abuse, and just destroying your body with poison, some of you might be healing from codependency, some of you might be healing from mental illness. And there are fears that are common with all the people on the healing journey that completely just throw them off the track that they’re on and destroy their chance at transformation. 

Fear that Everything will Change

When you’re trying to walk down the path of your healing journey there is a fear is that everything will change. Well you know what, everything will change but that doesn’t necessarily equate to a negative possibility. What I mean by that is if you are watching this channel right now and you’ve experienced some of those things I talked about, like the trauma, the grief and loss, the substance abuse, the mental illness, if you’ve experienced all that in your recent past or your distant past don’t you want everything to change? Don’t you want to have a better relationship with yourself and others? Don’t you want to be able to live life on life’s terms? Don’t you want to be able to be free from the crap from the past that’s holding you back and not allowing you to have a different future? So not only is everything going to change but I want to double down on that and say, lean into the change, lean into that discomfort. Because the only way your life is going to change is if you change. And that’s okay. I know that’s scary. 

Yesterday, in one of the community groups we had, the topic was the fear of the unknown. And wow, these program participants gave the most profound shares on this topic about the fear of the unknown and how it just cripples people. But at some point in our life when we were little versions of ourselves everything was unknown. The first time you tasted a certain food it was unknown, the first time you watched a certain movie it was unknown, the first time you got in a relationship with someone it was unknown, the first time you went to school it was unknown, the first time you listened to a certain song it was unknown, everything in life is unknown until we start to experience some negative experiences, until something happens to us. And then the pain of that experience cripples us and puts us in the fear of the unknown.

The fear of the unknown is just the fear of life. The fear of changes is the fear of life.

But when you heal from the past, see for example, if you have a fear of relationships it wasn’t like that from the get-go. Someone hurt you, someone lied to you, someone cheated you, someone broke your heart, someone emotionally shattered you, and now you go into the next relationship, “I’m afraid of commitment, I’m afraid of relationships.” See, that wasn’t there before that experience.

The fear of the unknown is beautiful. Change is beautiful.

I actually know that if you don’t want to change your life I wouldn’t even recommend you listening to me. If you’re happy with everything that’s going on in your life and you’re content, I’m not the guy for you. I’m sorry about that. I’m not going to sit here and just sugarcoat things but if you’re listening to me I know there’s a reason and there’s an area of your life, if not multiple areas in your life, that you’re desperately wanting to change. So lean into that fear of the change, you know, let everything change. It’s okay.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

12 Fears about the Healing Journey that will Destroy your Recovery

What is up, everyone? It is July 1st of 2023. As I like to say, how did it get so late so soon? And we are officially in the second half of the year and I’ll do a little talk about second halves and the possibility that exists. What’s up Jess? Let me actually wait till all the people come say Hi and say Hi back and all that kind of stuff. But while everyone’s trickling in let me just give a quick introduction to myself and what this live stream is all about. So my name is Parham. I have a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an emphasis in Child Development. I am a high school basketball coach, an assistant varsity basketball coach at Aliso Miguel High School. Been doing that for 14 years. I am personally in recovery myself from substances and and I would say anxiety, depression, all that kind of stuff, and June 13th of 2008 is the day that I fundamentally transformed and changed my life. I’ve been able to maintain it – knock on wood! What’s up Kenny and the PSRC crew? And the Flaherty’s, Good Morning! A couple other things about this whole process is, I used to do this in person on Saturdays and when Covid happened and I was like, “Alright, I want to make sure that we continue this family education stuff,” and we went on Zoom at first and I was able to get a little educated on different platforms and all that kind of stuff and for the past 3+ years we’ve been doing this live stream and it’s been wonderful. Because it’s an opportunity to connect to people from all over the country and even the world, and to be able to provide some resources and information on various topics such as addiction, codependency, mental health, communication, trauma, boundaries, self-care and a little bit of everything in between. And you know it is a holiday weekend so I assume there’s going to be a lot of people traveling and probably not on right now, but hopefully they’ll be able to watch this on the recording and be able to get some value out of it. So all that being said, and what’s up Roxanne, and whoever else pops up if I miss you, just want to say Hi in advance. 

Oh man, it’s halfway through 2023 and for some of us it’s been a wonderful year and for some of us it’s been a difficult year and for some of us it’s been somewhere in between. But you know, as a coach there is something that’s very important when it comes to at least athletics and what that is, is this thing called halftime adjustments. So if you are in the halfway point of your 2023, which in this moment that I’m speaking to you live on July 1st of 2023, we are literally at the halfway point, so in any sporting event when the teams come into the locker room at halftime it’s an opportunity to take a look and reflect back on what happened in the first quarter, second quarter, for a second quarter first half, and just say what type of changes can we make to either maintain the outcome we have, to get a better outcome than we have, or to completely change the course of this game. So if that is something that is resonating with you, because here’s the thing. There’s a lot of teams that go defeated in halftime to come out victorious. Why is that the case? Because they have halftime adjustments. So if you are in some type of a situation right now for yourself and you’re looking at the score of the year, we’re using metaphors, and I hope you’re picking it up, and you’re not happy with the way that it’s going, you’re not happy with the outcome, you’re not happy with where you said you were going to be, and where you are right now, it’s on you to make these halftime adjustments. Because I believe that with six months left in the year you still have the ability and the possibility to transform your year and hopefully get a different outcome than before. So don’t sleep on halftime adjustments. Marina Harbor crew, what’s up from the bay? 

So today’s talk is something I’ve done in the past but I’ve changed it around a little bit to use different words that’s a little bit more appropriate for the broad range of audience that we have. Before, I would primarily just talk about addiction and substance abuse and then a lot of family members started coming on and a lot of people that were just curious about transformation or curious about mental health came on so I’m kind of just trying to use the terminology and language that is more suitable for a larger audience. And pretty much what we’re going to do is I’m going to talk about the 12 fears in the healing journey that can destroy your transformation. So what I mean by that is all of you on this channel, you’re healing from something. Some of you might be healing from childhood trauma, some of you might be healing from grief and loss, some of you might be healing from substance abuse, and just destroying your body with poison, some of you might be healing from codependency, some of you might be healing from mental illness. And there are fears that are common with all the people on the healing journey that completely just throw them off the track that they’re on and destroy their chance at transformation. And those fears are what we’re going to talk about today.

 

1. Everything will change.

So the first fear is when you’re trying to walk down the path of your healing journey is that everything will change. Well you know what, everything will change but that doesn’t necessarily equate to a negative possibility. What I mean by that is if you are watching this channel right now and you’ve experienced some of those things I talked about, like the trauma, the grief and loss, the substance abuse, the mental illness, if you’ve experienced all that in your recent past or your distant past don’t you want everything to change? Don’t you want to have a better relationship with yourself and others? Don’t you want to be able to live life on life’s terms? Don’t you want to be able to be free from the crap from the past that’s holding you back and not allowing you to have a different future? So not only is everything going to change but I want to double down on that and say, lean into the change, lean into that discomfort. Because the only way your life is going to change is if you change. And that’s okay. I know that’s scary. Yesterday, in one of the community groups we had, the topic was the fear of the unknown. And wow, these program participants gave the most profound shares on this topic about the fear of the unknown and how it just cripples people. But at some point in our life when we were little versions of ourselves everything was unknown. The first time you tasted a certain food it was unknown, the first time you watched a certain movie it was unknown, the first time you got in a relationship with someone it was unknown, the first time you went to school it was unknown, the first time you listened to a certain song it was unknown, everything in life is unknown until we start to experience some negative experiences, until something happens to us. And then the pain of that experience cripples us and puts us in the fear of the unknown. The fear of the unknown is just the fear of life. The fear of changes is the fear of life. But when you heal from the past, see for example, if you have a fear of relationships it wasn’t like that from the get-go. Someone hurt you, someone lied to you, someone cheated you, someone broke your heart, someone emotionally shattered you, and now you go into the next relationship, “I’m afraid of commitment, I’m afraid of relationships.” See, that wasn’t there before that experience. The fear of the unknown is beautiful. Change is beautiful. I actually know that if you don’t want to change your life I wouldn’t even recommend you listening to me. If you’re happy with everything that’s going on in your life and you’re content, I’m not the guy for you. I’m sorry about that. I’m not going to sit here and just sugarcoat things but if you’re listening to me I know there’s a reason and there’s an area of your life, if not multiple areas in your life, that you’re desperately wanting to change. So lean into that fear of the change, you know, let everything change. It’s okay.

Hopefully that makes sense. By the way if you’re new to this or watching it for the first time when you say something, like for example when Eileen said, “it has been a beneficial experience these last three years”, by the way she’s watched like 99% of Parham stuff. Eileen is a Super Fan. CJ self-identifies as a super fan, and I think so does Jess, but Eileen is actually you know she’s been there done that in life, realtime. And again, like anyone over there if you guys are watching in Marina Harbor, if you have any questions let the individual putting this on for you guys let them know – they can write the question. I can respond in real time, so it’s kind of interactive. I want you to know that. 

 

2. You are going to Fail 

So the next one is, you’re gonna fail. And we’ve talked about this one numerous times. And the problem that we have with this is, people are so afraid of failing. And why are they afraid of failing? You want to know why? Because they get their past experiences of failure, so maybe they failed in a relationship, or at a job, or they failed with their fitness routine, or they failed with their ability to communicate with their loved ones. They take that experience, they bring it in the present moment, and they project it into the future. Now Henry Ford has been quoted saying, “Whether you think you can, or you can’t, you’re right.” So in the present moment if I think that I’m gonna fail in the future guess what’s gonna happen my friends, you’re gonna fail. For those of you who are in the recovery process and you’re saying, “You know what, I’m going to relapse in the future,” you’re gonna relapse. And it’s not like, “oh I’m just a realist.” No, you’re not. We’re meant to be dreamers. We’re meant to have goals, dreams, aspirations, hopes. We’re not meant to be cynics and realists. Anybody that’s ever achieved something, what do they say? I made my dream become my reality. They don’t say, “oh it just happened. I made my dream become my reality,” because they believed they could. Everything in life happens twice – once in the level of the mind and once in reality. You have to visualize yourself and see yourself as someone that succeeded and it becomes true with the right actions. The hocus pocus stuff doesn’t happen unless you take the actions but the fear is something that’s really important. 

 

3. You are going to Succeed

The next one that we have here is that you’re gonna succeed. Now some people might say, “well, Parham, isn’t that a good thing if I succeed?” Absolutely, but what happens is people have a fear that if they succeed then they have to maintain and then they start saying, “I don’t know if I can maintain, if I get the good job, how am I going to keep it? If I get the good relationship how am I going to keep it? If I get the sobriety how am I going to keep it?” That’s so overwhelming, that’s so scary. And you know what people do? They feel like they are not worthy of it, they feel like they don’t deserve it. So what do they do? That was my sound of self-sabotage and destruction. They blow it up. But if you’re watching this I want to tell you something: you are worthy of it, you deserve it. If you failed a bunch of times and you’re finally starting to taste a little bit of success I want you to sit in it, experience it, feel it, be grateful for it, and tell yourself, “I’m worthy of this success,” because a person that believes they deserve to succeed has a much higher probability of maintaining it. If some of you in the addiction recovery world if you’ve done a lot of bad things, let’s just call it what it is, you live the lifestyle that you’re not proud of, and now you’re achieving a little bit of happiness and joy and fulfillment in your sobriety where you’re like, “I just don’t deserve it,” you feel like an imposter and put all that stuff. Besides, you deserve it, we all deserve it. What is it besides the fact that we work hard to get positive things in our lives today? What else do we got? By the way, if you can ever break through the fear of success it’s by succeeding and maintaining it and having some tangible evidence that you’re able to do it. Anybody that’s ever succeeded in something and maintaining it is proof that it’s possible. So if they’re able to do it you’re able to do it. We’re all the same species. By the way, I understand some of us might be more intellectually capable of doing certain things and some people might be more artistically capable of doing things and some people might be more creative and some people might be more oriented with numbers and stuff like that. Our intelligence manifests in different ways but we’re all the same species. If one species can do it I could do it, you know what I mean? If there’s a human out there that could do something I can do I’m going to be able to do it. For example, Kobe Bryant can play basketball. Maybe I can’t be Kobe Bryant but I can play basketball. Hope is a really important thing my friends.

 

4. You won’t know who you are anymore

The next one that I have here is that you won’t know who you are anymore. That’s a fear people have in the healing journey that destroys their transformation. Well, I’ll tell you this. I’m going to give you a newsflash. What if, before your healing journey you have no idea who you were? Let me say that again. What if before you embarked on your healing journey you had no idea who you are anyways? Whenever we experience some type of trauma, whenever we experience some type of abandonment, a loss, whenever we experience some type of abuse, whenever we experience moving from town to town, whenever we experience financial difficulties and challenges when we’re a kid there is a high probability that we already got disconnected from ourselves, that we already lost connection with who and what we are. We go through life wearing these different hats and being these different characters and putting on these different masks, assuming and thinking that we know who we really are. But oftentimes we don’t until we do the deep work and the healing work and get to know ourselves. I told this to our program participants and I’ll tell it to you too, because I don’t see human beings being any different. They just happen to be in the program and you just happen to be at home, but we’re all the same. If you just genuinely sat down in front of a mirror, full body, for five to ten minutes straight, no phone, no distractions and you just started looking at yourself, staring in your eyes like you’re looking at a person closely and just observing yourself, looking at your face, looking at your body, looking at yourself, there will be a profound experience. If you haven’t done something like this you will have a profound experience that at some point in that you will realize that you barely know yourself. Some of you will feel like you’re looking at a stranger. So there shouldn’t be any fear that if I go on this healing journey I won’t know who I am anymore. If anything, you should go on the healing journey so you can figure out who you are. That’s why we do this stuff, so we can get to know ourselves and here’s why. We want to figure out who we are so we can be at peace with ourselves, because when you are at peace with yourself you’re at peace with the world and all of the people and places and things in it. And that’s a place of empowerment, that’s a place of transformation, that’s a place that you can actually become who it is you’re trying to become in life. And for the ones watching this in the facilities, the treatment centers right now, you know what I’m talking about. You go towards the end of using you don’t dare look inside of a mirror because you’re like, “who the hell is that monster? I don’t want to look at that person.” You’re going to recognize yourself but what if I told you six months down the line in recovery it could be the same process if you don’t do the work.

 

5. You will be bored

So the next one that we have here is number five, that you will be bored. Well, the transformation work isn’t boring, it’s just intense, and afterwards it actually frees us, to free ourselves from the feeling of boredom. See, boredom is defined as the inability to sit with oneself. So when someone tells me they’re bored I don’t really see it as like, “oh it’s like a problem. They need to be stimulated.” I see it as this person can’t sit with themselves. Then the question comes, why can’t they sit with themselves? Why is it so uncomfortable to be with their thoughts, to be with themselves? What happened to them at some point in their life that they were so uncomfortable with their surroundings that they needed to do something or distract themselves or go somewhere just to not be with themselves? And if you’re in that case, if you have a hard time sitting with yourself and you think that there’s a lack of stimulation in life the problem isn’t out there. The problem’s in here. And that’s the opportunities that arise for us in the healing journey. They allow us to be able to break through that because once you’re able to achieve peace with yourself you can go out in nature and just go on a walk and experience a freedom that is completely the opposite of boredom. The hyper levels of stimulation we need for those of you again in the program that are dealing with substances, substance abuse, all that kind of stuff, you need constant stimulation. Adrenaline Junkies, this and that, and you think that’s the only way to achieve boredom. That’s just like a coping skill to not be with yourself, like the whole ‘addicted to chaos’ thing. The way you’re addicted to chaos, you love the chaotic life, you’re doing anything and everything you can to just not be with yourself. That’s pretty much all that’s happening. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. So that’s another fear right there.

We don’t want to be our old selves. It’s powerful to decide to change to die to ourselves and become something new. “Have compassion for the old you and create something new. -CJ” Damn right, I love that you wrote, have compassion for the old self because a lot of people that do the healing work, they have this weird distaste or negative connotation or negative feeling towards their past but here’s the thing. You can’t be who you are and you can never be who you’re gonna be without that person. So you better have some compassion and make friends with your past. Make friends with parts of yourself in the past at least and just know that you wouldn’t be here and you won’t be there if it wasn’t for that person. So I always have compassion for my past self and sometimes there are times in my life that I look at my 13, 14, 15 year old self and I am so proud of that person because he was so resilient and that’s so much perseverance and was so tough and dealt with so much anxiety and depression and he still made it. Wow, what a little guy that was! Some of you, by the way you know I can’t really talk on this public forum, but you’ve had some tough upbringings and childhoods and we look back and you’re so annoyed or resentful about it. How about you look at it and say, “wow man, what an awesome person that little kid was!” That kid was so tough, tough as nails, so be grateful for the different selves, the different past selves. Thank you for that CJ. 

 

6. You will lose your friends

The next one that I have here is, you will lose your friends. Well, anytime you’re going through the healing journey there are certain people that were a part of the old life that probably won’t be a part of your new life because you can’t have both. Sometimes you got to let go of the old to embrace the new and I always say your new life is going to cost your old life. Are you willing to pay the price? So you’re gonna lose some friends – I call them acquaintances – they could be called using buddies. It could be just people of a certain lifestyle you’re going to lose them but you’ll meet some new people in your life that are really powerful and awesome. But then also you’ll be able to selectively find out who your true friends were, who the good people were, and they’re the ones. If you had 20 of them and maybe you only keep two and it’s always about quality over quantity. So the fear of losing friends is not too significant but it does hit people sometimes, especially the younger population. If you’re in high school or college and your friends are your life, you know your friends are your everything. No, I’m not not judging it – it’s just what happens. In high school for example, you got 50 friends and the only reason a lot of those people are friends with each other is because they happen to go inside of the same building at the same time. Because they all live in the same city within like four or five miles. That’s the only reason these people are bunched up together. It’s not because they have interests or hobbies or likes. It’s not like they’re the same song, they vibe together long term. But you might keep a few like that. But for the most part life isn’t that way. It’s harder to make friends when you’re an adult but at least you get to pick what type of people you want to bring in your circle and who you want to give your energy to.

 

7. People will not like the new you

So the next fear people have is that people will not like the new you. Well, newsflash! There is a very high probability that some people did not like the old you. It’s going to be so bad that in the healing journey and trying to transform people didn’t like the old you either, you know some people, and that’s okay. Because what’s the ultimate goal of the healing journey? That you can stand in front of a mirror and say, “I like the person looking back at me.” That’s the bar and if you don’t get to that bar you’re constantly gonna look for other people to approve you and you’re going to look for other people to validate you and you’re going to look for other people to say, “oh you’re a good person.” You can’t achieve that true essence of approval until you can approve yourself and that’s one of the byproducts of the healing journey. That was good.

 

8. You won’t be able to handle your emotions

The next one is, you will not be able to handle your emotions without negative coping skills. You will not be able to handle your emotions without negative coping skills. So what does that mean? Many people that come in the healing journey they engaged with negative coping skills, destructive coping skills prior. It could be workaholism, it could be substance abuse, it could be promiscuity, it could be eating disorders, and then they say, “well if I go in this recovery thing how am I going to deal with my emotions? I’m not going to be able to handle my emotions.” Well, guess what, you never were able to handle your emotions. If you really break the denial and get honest with it, if you drink to deal with your anxiety you never handled your emotions. If you pop pills to deal with your emotional pain you never handled your emotions. If you shot cocaine to deal with your depression and get some energy you never dealt with your emotions. If you work 20 hours a day you never handled your emotions. If you had multiple partners and you’re always in the chase to get the next high of the relationship you never handled your emotions. If you have to spend money all the time you never handled your emotions. So the thought of the fact that you’re gonna get clean and sober now and you’re not going to be able to handle your emotions it’s actually not reality. It’s because you never were able to. For the first time you’re actually going to be able to learn how to handle your emotions. So it’s an irrational fear.

Let’s see what she said here: “Hi from Florida! I’m working today too changing lives. I play your chats in my recovery groups all the time. I love this topic. Thank you so much. -Sharon” I’ve said this to you before but I’ll say to you every time I talk to you. Thank you for the work you do in the front lines of addictions: the recovery centers and the recovery groups. It is like people like you and myself and a few other people (they’re not here right now because the holiday weekend but), these clinicians, counselors, the people up there in a couple treatment centers watching, the Kenny’s of the world, that are kind of watching this thing, wonderful wonderful stuff! Man, we’re doing good work, we’re helping people out, so thank you for that! And next week or whenever I do this again I’m gonna fix this audio. I can’t do this for another week like this because it’s driving me nuts.

 

9. People will judge you 

The next one that I have here is people will judge you. I’m gonna give you a newsflash, my friends. Ready for this? Something you might not like. People are always judging you. People are always judging me. We are always judging people. So some people right now might say like my friend Sharon just said right there from Florida, “hey you’re great, thank you for what you do, I appreciate it.” Someone else might say, “hey these talks really help me.” Someone might say, “your face is annoying and I don’t like the way you talk. You’re actually cocky or condescending.” Someone might say, “this is a waste of my time.” Someone might say, “this is such a valuable use of my time.” We are always being judged and we are always judging people. So when you go on the healing journey, yes some people will judge you. They’ll say, “oh you gotta go get help for this.” This kind of stuff happens to everybody. Just get your s___ together. They’re gonna judge you and some people might say, “I’m so proud of the work you’re doing for looking in the mirror.” “I’m so proud of the fact that you’re trying to break multi-generational patterns of trauma in your family, keep going. We’re always going to get judged. So you can choose to listen to the negative stuff or stand in your truth, stand in your authenticity, and just keep moving forward in the direction that you need to go to get to know yourself. 

 

10. You will never fix your mistakes

Almost done. Number 10, you will never be able to fix your mistakes. This is categorically false. You can ask anybody that’s been a part of this thing that we call humanity. In society we love second chances, we love third chances, we love fourth chances. You want to know why? Because everybody’s waiting for the true version of that person to come out, and when he or she does society rallies around them. There were a lot of mistakes with guilt and shame and all that kind of stuff that I didn’t think I could overcome, but I could probably say I have the intention not to repeat them. So we do these things called living amends. We say, “if I harmed you or hurt you please forgive me.” If they don’t you just one day at a time live in a way that you’re able to one day get it and eventually they do. And if they don’t at least you know that you’ve never harmed another person that same way again, and it’s a very powerful thing. So some of you have guilt and shame for some of the actions you’ve taken or haven’t taken in the past. Don’t allow the fear that you’re never going to overcome those mistakes get in the way of your progress and your healing journey.

 

11. It’s too hard 

Number 11, people have a fear that it’s too hard. Well another newsflash! This talk should be called Newsflash, by the way. Another one that everything’s hard so staying actively drunk, ripping and burning and getting money for the lifestyle and getting high and getting by, that’s really hard, it really is. The hustle is hard. Doing the healing work, looking at your past, looking at your wrongs, taking different actions, changing your life, building a foundation, that’s hard. They’re both hard, so you got to just choose your hard. You just got to choose which one you want to do, this one or this one. So I can’t make that decision for you. If you’re signing into a detox right now and it feels like you’re looking up a mountain and you’re like, “dude, this is too hard,” so is addiction. Addiction is a mountain you’re looking up to. It’s just one you’re more familiar with. It’s all hard. You just gotta choose your hard. 

 

12. You will have to battle the rest of your life

And the last one is, you will have to battle with this for the rest of your life. I don’t like to use the negative connotation of the word ‘battle.’ I like to use the word maybe – you might have to dance with this for your whole life. Sometimes, some chapters in life, the song is so mellow and you’re just barely there, just kind of slow dancing and smiling and it feels good. And sometimes the music turns into some crazy psychotic techno thing, and it’s overwhelming, the strobe lights are going and you don’t know what to do or how to dance. Or you’re just overwhelmed and flooded with emotions and you just gotta dance your way through it. This healing journey is not linear. There’s a lot of blind twists and turns but it’s not a battle every day, it just isn’t. In the early stages it is so please know, if you’re in your first six months of sobriety, and I’m like, “this ain’t a battle.” You’re like, “dude, I feel like I go to warning every day trying to stay clean.” It is hard at the beginning but eventually it starts to just be like a dance. It’s a part of your life and eventually you get familiar with the steps and the movement and the song and the rhythm and it becomes a lot easier. It becomes a way of life. Anybody that has a certain way in life they never say their way of life is hard. They just say, “it’s just what I do.” 

Let’s see what we got. Absolutely, that’s why that’s what I’m saying right there Eileen, at the very end where I said “eventually it becomes a lifestyle.” And the steps and the rhythm and the movement and all that kind of stuff like that it becomes easier. So it’s just a process of learning all this stuff. So anybody, feel free to share atake away with me if you got one,  and I will let you go from here. And it is Fourth of July so I want you to please please please have fun, be safe, and enjoy this time if you celebrate the freedoms that come with it. And the freedoms are not just at the level of historical point of references. They’re the everyday battles of life. And freedom from active addiction is also a beautiful beautiful thing to celebrate. Let’s see what we got there. “Another great session, thank you!” Yeah I know, I’m just so hard on myself. Like the audio is not matching the video and it’s just driving me nuts. It happened last week too. I didn’t know until afterwards and I thought I fixed it but at least the camera quality is really high but now the audio is all messed up. “I love the term ‘Dance.’ Really resonates. It’s cool! I have to dance. -Debbie” Thank you for dancing with me for the past three years if you will, since we’re using that metaphor. Love and appreciate all you guys! I will see you next week. I’m coaching high school basketball next week and it’s in Las Vegas. It’s a basketball tournament and they don’t give you a set time, because if you win or lose it changes the next game and time. So overall I’m not sure if I’m gonna be around next week but I will leave a message on the Buckeye business and personal Facebook pages so you’ll be able to see and we’ll go from there. CJ, you needed this today, good! Glad I could provide what you needed, and thank you so much for being a super fan as you call yourself. I appreciate you all! Everyone, have a wonderful day! I’ll see you soon!

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

The 4 Keys to Accomplishing Anything in Life and Recovery

Falling down is sometimes inevitable, but changing your perspective to recognize that failures are actually stepping stones to success and accomplishment can be the most important difference in creating breakthroughs from breakdowns. These 4 keys to accomplishing anything in life and recovery are taken from the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, by John C Maxwell.

The Law of Victory

We need to talk a little bit about victory and here’s what it means in this context. You got to find a way to win. You have to find a way to win and you might say, “well, hey I don’t care about winning and losing that much.” Self-imposed limitations will only allow you to have a life that is just bland and you might say, “I’m not competitive.” That’s okay, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I don’t care if this person wins or loses in life. I’m not that competitive.” Really, if you don’t care that you don’t win or lose in your own life, do you actually think anybody else will? Oh yeah, because everybody in life is just rooting for you to win? All they’re thinking about is your ability to succeed? Man, no, they’re not. Nobody cares if you don’t care about winning and losing in life. Nobody else is going to care if you don’t care about that reflection in the mirror winning in their life. They won’t.

How to identify a Win? The Beauty is that there is no definition

And now it becomes important to identify what winning is. The beauty of it is there is no definition. It’s what it is for you. What winning for me might not be winning for you, and what winning for you might not be winning for me, but you have to identify it and then do everything in your power to accomplish that stated goal. Winning is subjective, I get it, no judgment at all. Winning for some people might be just to have the most amazing beautiful connected experience with their family and their community and that’s it, they’re okay. That’s wonderful, but make sure you win. Winning for some people might be a certain status or job or academic goal or living in a certain place, or doing a certain thing. Whatever it is I don’t care, just go win and when you win make sure that you stop to acknowledge the fact that you just won. Because winning, achieving small milestones and victories, gains a little bit of momentum. And like I said, it’s subjective. So also the most important part, in my opinion at least, when we’re talking about winning and losing is to find victories in defeats. I mean, if you could do that then you’re onto something. Because I like this really awesome definition of success, and it said how one person can go from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm in between. Wow, I mean, that’s it – how can I go from one failure to another failure, without ever losing any enthusiasm in between? Because that’s where it happens. Because after every failure are the most amount of opportunities to win in your life. After every breakdown there’s an opportunity and a possibility for a breakthrough. Embrace it. But some people see setbacks, perceive defeat as like, “oh I knew I couldn’t do it. There’s no point of even trying.” Self-imposed limitations. Those people that do the things they want to do they’re just okay with failing, but because they’ve hacked into something they realize that in order to gain victory you must go through defeat. You must. It’s the only way sometimes people learn, that sometimes people don’t. That’s okay.

The Law of Empowerment

The main ingredient in empowerment is the belief in people. So when you look at yourself in the mirror you must believe in that reflection, man. Because like I said earlier, if you don’t believe in him or her, who else is? Maybe your mom, maybe your dad, maybe your family, but the only reason they believe in it by the way, is because you happen to share the same last name as them. And because they’ve seen your potential, they believe in your potential. But outside of that who else is going to believe in you, if you don’t believe in yourself? I believe in you, but this is kind of my passion. I believe in the possibility of human transformation. It’s not even about you. I just believe that all human beings can transform, even the ones that society says, “not him, not her.” I’ve seen enough hims and hers transform to not believe that stupid thing society says. So you must believe in yourself and how do you help people reach their potential? 

How to Help a Loved One Reach Their Potential?

This is important for family members, if you’re watching this, wondering how the heck am I going to help my kid reach their potential? Three things. 

Number one, if you can give them access to resources. I’m not saying money, resources for help, resources for change, resources for transformation. 

Number two, give them responsibility – the more you take responsibility for the lives of others the more they will not be able to take responsibility for their own lives. We people, when we choose to carry them, the most strong healthy able-bodied human beings, when carried all the time, will eventually become crippled and unable to function and use their limbs to do the things they have to do, unable to use their mind to think, unable to use their body to move, unable to use their life to live. So give them respect, responsibility, and lastly give them autonomy. 

Number three, Autonomy, the freedom to make a choice – that’s what it means. And sometimes people say, “well, I don’t know but I just don’t trust their decision-making.” Eventually, people have to be autonomous in their decisions and as a family member, you got to let him do it but here’s the catch. And this is what family members don’t know how to do, or afraid to do. 

 

Remember this, that people are free to make any choice they want in life but they’re not free of the consequences of those choices. So if your loved one makes some choices that have natural consequences, negative consequences, let them go through it. Because if they don’t learn that lesson that every action has a reaction then they will never understand the reaction their actions are having. And it’s not a cold thing to do to somebody, it’s not a callous thing to do to somebody, it’s the right thing to do for people to allow them to understand that in this thing we call life, if I choose to do something, I am also choosing the consequences that come with it. By the way, not all reactions in life or consequences in life are negative. If I go to the gym and eat well all the time the consequence of that is going to be good markers in my blood levels, in a good physical healthy body. If I choose to drink alcohol and do drugs all the time the consequences of that could be legal, financial, physical. We’re okay when the person gets the positive consequences but of the negative ones I got to save them from it. Well, you can continue to be a hero in the life of someone else and realize that that person’s life is completely shattering. I wouldn’t say this if your kid was young but once they become adults just be mindful of how you potentially might be crippling those that you carry.

The Law of Priorities

Remember this, that if you want to take the person that you see in the mirror, if you want to lead the person you see in the mirror and you do so without having priorities in life, of knowing what is the most important things that you have to accomplish that day, that week, that month, that year, and you just go with the flow and kind of just ebb and flow with the way that the waves and the wind and the air moves, just know you are floating to Destination Nowhere. I’m not saying you have to live in a rigid box and have so much structure that you have no freedom or spontaneity. I’m not saying that. But you must prioritize what is important, or what is important will be lost in the midst of life. Most successful people I know prioritize the living heck out of their life, the things that are most important to them. You will know what it is. You look at the way they live their life, you look at how they carry themselves, you look at how they speak, you know what’s important to them. And if you ever leave a conversation not knowing what’s important to somebody there is a really really good feeling that they don’t prioritize anything. So are you productive, or are you busy? Completely different things. Productivity does not equal busyness. I could show you people that do one thing or two things a day, completely to the end, very productive, and I can show you people to do 50 things in a day, the human doings, and at the end of the day they sit down and didn’t accomplish anything. Are you productive or are you busy?

The Law of Timing

This is important. Time and place are two of the most important factors to accomplishing anything. If I told you guys, “hey, after this talk I’ll see you at Starbucks,” and we get off and you say, “oh my God, I didn’t ask them what Starbucks, and what time.” Okay, so time and place is important. But if I say, “I’ll see you at the Starbucks over there on Pacific Coast Highway,” and I leave you go to the Starbucks Pacific Coast Highway, you don’t know what time I’m coming. Time is important. Or if I say “I’ll see you at Starbucks at 1:30,” but I don’t tell you which one you got one out of couple hundred thousand of them to pick from but you might find it eventually. 

Timing is important, my friends. In the time when you look at yourself in the mirror, the place in which you look at yourself in the mirror, I believe the timing is right for you to begin leading that reflection to a life that you want to live. The timing is right, the time is now. It is the right time, it is the right place. You are the right person. Look at yourself in the mirror and make a decision in your heart first. Because you can’t call for action until you touch a heart. Make a decision in your heart first, then take it to your mind and visualize it, because everything in life is made twice – once inside the mind and once inside reality. Make a commitment to lead that reflection to where he or she not only deserves to go but needs to go for themselves and the lives of others. If you do that I will feel eternally repaid, and if you don’t there’s absolutely nothing I could do about it. Because I have learned one thing, that no matter what I do or what I say or how I say it people do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and all I could do is stay committed and consistent and continue to deliver the messages of hope, love and recovery that I do.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

How to Connect With People in Recovery

Connection, not Isolation, is key to recovery. Having a sponsor, a strong support system, and attracting a network of people who will lead you in the right direction is an important part of long term recovery. And then to lead others on their recovery journey. The Law of Magnetism and the Law of Connection discussed here are taken from the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, by John C Maxwell.

The Law of Magnetism

Some of you that are from the old school are going to think this is some hippie pippy stuff and you’re going to think this is some hocus pocus stuff because you don’t believe in that kind of stuff, but oh my goodness, is this law real! The law of magnetism: “What you seek in life is seeking you.” A poet named Rumi said that. The law of magnetism is so real.

Who you are is who and what you will attract.

There is reality to the fact that our thoughts become things. There is truth to the fact that everything in life that you look around and see has been created twice. Once inside the mind, and once inside of reality. When you see things in your mind, when you see them clearly, you have a vision, you conceptualize them, and then you take the action to make those dreams become reality. That’s how things are created. Thoughts become things. What you think becomes your reality. And you might not believe that and you might not want to believe that but I’m telling you, there’s truth to it. And it’s not just something I’m saying because that’s what I feel. For thousands of years, societies of various backgrounds have come to the same freaking conclusion. You know, your world is a reflection of who you are and how you think.

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world.” -Wayne Dyer

Same world. You ever wondered how we all live in this floating, flying rock in this vast endless universe in a galaxy that also has 50 million other planets in it? But we only know like eight or nine of them. You ever wonder how we see the world so differently? It ain’t about the world. It’s about who we are and how we perceive it. You know, your life has been your life and you have a perception towards all the experiences you’ve had. What if I told you, not all those are the absolute truth? Oftentimes we create stories and we create narratives based on things that actually happened to us as a child or an adolescent and then we might be a grown man or woman still believing that everything we thought of when we were children is the absolute truth. And anytime you catch yourself in that, I challenge you to go have a heart-to-heart 30 minute conversation with a 10-year-old, and ask them all the deep questions about life, and what they think, and what you should do about your relationships, and what you should do about your mental health, and what you should do about your life choices. Afterwards when you start chuckling inside and laughing about how innocent and funny and ridiculous their responses are, I hope you consider that if you don’t realize that potentially some of the decisions that you have been making in life, and are making in life, and some of the ways that you go about your life, are not based in who you are right now, but based in the stories and assumptions and mind of a child that was wounded one day, and you believe certain things about the world and others, you might change your mode of operating. You might realize you haven’t been the pilot and it’s about time to take the wheel, you know to take flight.

The Law of Connection

John Maxwell coined this next phrase which I really respect, and he says, “You can never touch a heart until you’ve connected to a hand.” You know, good leaders in life never ask for a hand until they’ve touched the heart. If you look at yourself in the mirror and that’s the reflection that you’re trying to lead in your life and you’re telling it to do X Y and Z and no matter what you do it doesn’t respond, no matter how much you tell yourself to go do this and do that, and do this, but you keep failing to accomplish your goals, did you ever stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, you have to touch the heart first? You have to look at that mirror and say, “you know what, I forgive you for everything that’s happened to you. I forgive you for your journey and I want to let you know that I have empathy for you. I want to let you know that if the world doesn’t see you or hear you or feel you or understand I do.” When you connect to yourself and you touch the heart of yourself then you can ask yourself to do anything in life. Because guess what, there’s a better chance you’re going to follow through. Don’t ask yourself to do things when you have anger and guilt and shame towards your reflection. You really think they’re going to do it. If you ever wonder why sometimes you tell your loved ones in addiction and mental illness recovery to go do something, they don’t do it? They look at you like this and say, “okay, okay, okay,” and then five minutes later they just, that was like in one ear and out the other. I don’t know, it’s a Saturday morning, coffee has kicked in officially, man. 

Connection is a big thing and you must connect with people before you call them into action. I’ve never told anybody at Buckeye to ever do anything without making sure that they understand that I care first. No staff member, I’m not going to ask them to do a lecture. I’m not going to ask them to do a talk. I’m not going to ask them to even freaking lock up the building, without them knowing that I care about them first. You know, that’s a good rule of thumb, there we go.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

How to Earn Respect When You’re in Recovery

The Law of Addition (from the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, by John C Maxwell) says that you, my friends, are either a plus or a minus in the lives of others. You either add to the lives and the quality of the lives of other human beings or you subtract from the lives and the quality of the lives of those people. This, along with the Law of Respect helps us understand how to earn respect, rather than demand it.

The Law of Addition

I understand that we are not just one-dimensional, and we have professional lives, and we have personal lives, but the goal is to be in the plus column in both those areas. There are people that are wonderful at what they do at work, they’re influential at their organizations, they’re hard workers, they add to the organization, they’re pluses, they’re valuable. When they sit at their end-of-year reviews, their manager or the owner says, “you know what, you are a great resource to this organization.” However, when they go home that same person doesn’t show up, they are a minus in their personal life. Oftentimes because they are too tired, oftentimes because they think that because they were a plus somewhere else that they don’t need to be a plus anywhere else. They provide, they do what they have to do, but you know what, tell that to a seven-year-old child that’s waiting for the plus to come home, and the minus keeps coming home. Which one’s more important? That’s a choice. It’s a choice I can’t make for you. But the goal is to be a plus in the lives, both personally and professionally.

How Do You Add Value?

Leaders add value man, you got to add value. So when you look at yourself in the mirror do you add value to that reflection? When you look at the people that you lead in your life, whether it’s your family or at work, do you add value? 90% of leaders that do, they add value by being intentional and deliberate about adding value. 

So for example, you go look back at four years of me doing this, at least I’ve been doing these talks on Saturdays for a decade, but literally for four years I’ve been doing it you know and here’s what happened. I’m sitting back, Covid happens, we’re like “Ah, I can’t connect with people, I can’t talk to people,” and we take it to social media and take it to Facebook and YouTube and I don’t care if there’s two people watching man, or 20 people watching, I don’t care if I’m talking to the screen by myself. I’m intentional and deliberate with trying to add value to the lives of others. When you have to carve out a specific time on a Saturday it doesn’t just happen. Everything I do around it revolves around the intention and deliberation of doing this. And I do this, you know, if you’re ever local in town, I know some of you have been coming. This last Tuesday we had over 30 people in there – it’s a family education support group. It’s what I do here but in person. I do it every week myself on Tuesdays from 6:30 to 8:00 pm. If you are in the Orange County area I strongly advise you to come down and check it out. It’s always free of charge. The group participants, if you’re watching this, give me a little shout out. There is no angle or sell – it’s just a matter of adding value. I’m intentional and deliberate with it.

The Law of Respect

Everybody wants to be respected and a lot of us have felt disrespected in life. And respect is one of those things that’s really important, you know. It’s like even the Italian mafia puts respect as one of the highest elements of their belief system. So even gangsters believe in respect, and I think all human beings understand what that is. But I’m telling you this – until you look in the mirror and respect the reflection looking back at you, good luck trying to have other people respect you. Good luck trying to respect other people. It all starts with self. It all starts in that exercise with that mirror in front of you three feet away. Do you respect that reflection looking back at you? Because if you don’t you’re going to start seeking it and searching for it and constantly being disappointed. When the world does not respect your reflection why should they, and why would they? You see, I wish that all human beings can just go out and freely respect each other. I really, really do, because life is already hard enough. But I believe on the same token that respect is one of those things that needs to be earned on some level. Not in a hard way you know, if you show up and you’re a hard worker and you’re committed and you got some good values and you’re just a good decent human being, I believe that’s good enough to be respected. But if you’re not doing all those and you just want respect because you feel like it’s owed to you, I’d really look and see where that thought process comes from, and just explore the possibility of it being a fallacy, or being faulty.

Become a respectful person first, become a respectful friend, be a good friend, and see what happens.

Respect is earned and when you are able to gain the respect here are the things that are important when they respect you as a person. You’ll start to be admired. Admiration doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. I can admire many different qualities and characters of other people and not put them on a pedestal. Just like admiring, “wow, that person is such a good speaker,” admiring, “that person is such a good friend,” admiring the fact that person is so loyal, admiring the fact that person is so caring – it’s not a bad thing. So when you are respected people will start… when you demonstrate and ooze respect, people start to admire you, admire at least some qualities and characteristics that you have when you’re respected as a friend. People start caring for you. We always want the people to care for us and sometimes some people that come from disadvantageous upbringings and situations that were just tough, and no one cared for them, they walk around the world just begging, hoping somebody just cares for them. Become a respectful person first, become a respectful friend, be a good friend, and see what happens. But you’re like, “nope, I want someone to be a good friend first,” you know and that’s such limited thinking, self-imposed limits. And when they respect you as a leader they will follow you. When you look at yourself in the mirror and you respect that reflection man, you’re going to follow that person everywhere. You’re gonna follow that journey.

No Respect, No Influence, No Ability to Lead

When you do things and say things that are disrespectful to yourself and others what happens is what do you expect from the world to do, a person that cannot respect themselves, their body, their mind, the people around them? When somebody constantly, constantly, constantly disrespects opportunities and chances do you really think the world just shows up? I don’t believe that we need to unconditionally respect things that are overtly and innately disrespectful. When people are out there doing harm and people are out there lying, cheating and stealing, I have zero desire to respect them. Now, I can care for them compassionately as a human being but I don’t have to respect the choices they’re making, and I sure as heck don’t have to respect the consequences of those choices. 

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

2 Most Important Laws to Understand in Recovery

These are taken from the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, written by Mr John C Maxwell who has had an impact in my life. I like to take his content and his work and he loves when people do this – he loves when people create out of his creations, and I apply it to this journey of life through the recovery process. I believe that all aspects of leadership can be applied to us human beings in our day-to-day lives and everything we do.

Here we talk about 2 of the 21 Laws of Leadership, applied to Recovery.

1. THE LAW OF THE LID

You will never grow beyond your limitations that are imposed by society or yourself as long as you put limitations on who you are and what you’re capable of accomplishing and achieving in life. You will never transcend beyond those limitations – that is the lid. Your recovery will never transcend beyond a specific experience because it has a lid on it. 

I came across this little short video that I thought was awesome, and it really highlights the law of the lid, so I want to share it with you guys. And here is what the law of the lid says in this video. So it was this guy, he got a jar, and in that jar he had a bunch of fleas, and the jar didn’t have a lid on it. And what was happening was, these fleas were jumping up really really high. The fleas, believe it or not, for their size actually are one of the highest jumping things on this entire planet, and they would just fly out and jump out and jump out and jump out and then he put a lid on it and now the fleas are jumping and what’s happening is, they’re hitting the lid and coming back down and hitting the lid and coming back down. And eventually these started to reproduce and have children and guess what happened when they took off the lid? The children of these fleas, when they would jump, they would only jump to the level of the lid. How fascinating is that? Something that never existed before now was a barrier and prevented them from their full potential. 

Wow, what kind of lids have you or society put on your life? How is it preventing you from reaching your full potential? Sorry for comparing us to fleas but this analogy is amazing. There are people that are marginalized, there are people who are living in disadvantageous situations that have been closed off with lids, whether through their own self or society, and multi-generationally over and over again, they’re unable to transcend and reach their full potential. See, it ain’t about the person. Sometimes it’s about the lid. So if you know you have a lid on your progress in life please find out who put it there, when it was put there, take it off and reach that potential. It’s a beautiful thing.

2. THE LAW OF THE PROCESS

We recover daily, not in a day. See, that’s the whole thing about a process. A lot of people, they are outcome-driven, they just seek a specific outcome. But true change and true growth happens in the process that you go through in order to get to the destination. We always hear “it’s about the journey, not the destination.” The same thing with recovery – your leadership skills, your ability to grow in different areas, it doesn’t just happen. If anything, it barely feels like it’s happening until you arrive at a destination and look back and see how far you have come. People rarely see their changes on a day-to-day basis. 

If you went to the gym, if you haven’t been going to the gym, or working out, and you feel like you’re out of shape, and you feel like you got a few extra pounds to lose, and you feel like you’re just not in a good place, and say you know what today is the day I’m gonna get back. And you get up and you put your shoes on and you go to the gym and you work out and you huff and puff and you lift some weights and you come back home and you look at yourself in the mirror and guess what? Nothing has changed. And if you say, “you know what? I’m going to go back tomorrow,” and you work out and you go to the gym and you huff and puff and you work out and you come back home and your muscles are sore and you look at yourself in the mirror nothing has changed. And you go again, nothing has changed, and you go again, nothing has changed. And you might say that this going to the gym thing doesn’t work but if you did that for 30 days, for 60 days, for 90 days, you will start to see, despite the nothing-changing on a day-to-day basis, actual changes in that reflection, actual changes in the way your clothes fit, actual changes in the way your mind works, actual changes in the way you feel about yourself.

Change happens daily, not in a day

If you can internalize that message you will have the keys to transformation. How bad do you want to transform? I don’t know. Hope you do. 

You know, if you told me what your habits are on a day-to-day basis, when you woke up, what you did, what you do next, and what you do next, and what you do next, including on Saturdays and Sundays, not just when you’re going to work every day, I could tell you exactly where you’re headed. You might say, “that’s really condescending or that’s really making a lot of assumptions. You have no idea where I’m headed in life, man.” Habits don’t lie. If a person has a significant amount of bad dietary habits it don’t take a rocket scientist to say that your panels and your cholesterol and your body weight and your sugar levels and your arteries are going to become compromised. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to say that.

You can tell where a person is headed by watching their daily habits.

Our daily habits create something and what I really like here is that it doesn’t matter where you hope you will end up. Every road has a destination. I’m going to say this one on the camera because I need you to hear this. It doesn’t matter where you hope that you will end up because every single road in life has a destination. The road you are on right now, despite the hope or desire of getting somewhere, has a destination. Now it matters what road you’re on, right? It matters how your daily habits are because that’s the road. So if there’s a specific place that you’re trying to end up in and you ain’t on that road, hope doesn’t mean nothing, because you won’t get there. And I’m just letting you, right now proactively know, preemptively know, so when you get there you’re not disappointed. No, there is no wrong time to make a detour.

Some of the Best Things in Life Happen on Detours

Me sitting here is a byproduct of a detour I made 15-16 years ago. A small shift in direction that led me to a completely different destination. With sailboats you can’t control the wind but you can set your sails. Small, incremental changes in degrees can have you going from one destination to a completely different one – doesn’t have to take something profound and big. Small changes. And like I say every week and there’s a reason I say it every week, because we have built-in forgetters and we forget the simple things in life – that your direction is more important than your speed. Just be in the right direction, have the right daily habits, have the right mindset, and if you do so you will arrive somewhere that’s pretty freaking awesome. My hope in doing these talks every week is that you get inspired enough to have the motivation to go on that journey.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Kelsey Gearhart

Director of Business Development

Kelsey carries multiple years of experience working in the substance abuse and mental health treatment field. Her passion for this field comes from her personally knowing recovery from addiction.

Prior to Buckeye she held titles of Recovery Coach, Operations Director, and Admissions Director. Kelsey was brought on at Buckeye Recovery as the Director of Business Development. She has a passion for ensuring every individual gets the help that they need, and does so by developing relationships with other providers.

Kelsey also oversees our women’s sober living environments – The Chadwick House for Women. She is committed to creating a safe, nurturing, and conducive environment for all women that walk through the doors of Chadwick.