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Constantly Walking on Eggshells? You may be a Codependent

For those of you who have loved ones who are struggling with alcoholism or mental illness this talk will probably resonate with you. It’s like a dagger in the heart, or like a wakeup call, and for those of you who maybe even you’re struggling with addictions yourself, codependency is not something that happens to us as a result of addiction. Codependency is often something that we have already inside of us and addiction is one way that we can start to act out in those codependent ways.

There is no Relationship in Broken Glass

If you catch yourself walking on eggshells or like broken glass because you’re afraid that if you share your thoughts, your opinion that it’s going to displease the other person, it’s going to anger them, it’s going to make them pissed off, therefore you don’t. First of all, any relationship in which you walk on eggshells in order to have a relationship with that person, there is no relationship. There is no relationship when walking on eggshells is the mode of operating. Walking on eggshells is highly dysfunctional. Walking on eggshells is highly codependent. Walking on eggshells is highly toxic. There is no need, in a relationship in which you love somebody, to be afraid of sharing your thoughts, your opinions, your words, your internal experience with the other person and having them receive what it is you’re saying. Here’s the thing when you share those things. Share them in the direction of love and truth. Share them with compassion. Share them with authenticity. Share them in a way that you want to make it about you and not about them. And if they freak out, if they lose their s___, if they get displeased with what you said, at least you stayed true to yourself. At least you didn’t shrink and become small in order for someone else to feel okay. Because walking on eggshells, my friends, is a pattern that once you start it is very hard to end because it begins to condition that relationship. It begins to create a power dynamic, a struggle in which you’ll never be able to share your opinions with that person. And you’ll come around and tell people, “I can’t tell them because they always get so mad.” So what does that mean? You got to minimize and you got to withhold who you are because of somebody else’s emotions, what about yours? What about your thoughts? What about your displeasure? But see, codependency doesn’t do that. Codependency says something or someone else is more important than me.

You Sacrifice Yourself for Someone Else’s Happiness

Do you always sacrifice yourself to make the other person happy? I did this talk this morning for our program participants, probably maybe 25 men, women, guys, girls, people sitting in couches listening to me talk. I told them, “Hey, you know a lot of you are codependent.” I told the program participants, “But a lot of your parents and family members, they’re super codependents, like mega codependents.” And I said, “If you don’t identify with this stuff just listen to the talk because that’s probably what they’re going through.” And this one specifically that I talked about, that I’m going to talk about now, is one that I really wanted them to understand. Because I told them I’m going to directly look your parents in the eyes in my family talk, whether it’s this one, or the one I do in person and I’m going to tell them the following. “If you sacrifice yourself to make the other person happy I’m telling you this. It is one of the biggest signs of codependency. And also one step further, it’s one of the biggest signs of a mistake in life.” You might be thinking to yourself this guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Being a parent is about sacrifice. Loving someone is about sacrifice. No it’s not.

Sacrifice, by definition, means to kill off something for something else. And when you kill yourself you do not exist.

When you sacrifice yourself for something or someone you love you are killing yourself for something or someone you love. And my friends, when you kill yourself you do not exist. Now is there a time that sacrifice is okay? Is there a time that it’s okay to sacrifice yourself for somebody else? Yes when that infant is a child, when that infant is 2 – 5 years old, a young little person, there are times that you must sacrifice specific things about your life in order to help that child grow up. You might sacrifice sleep, you will sacrifice sleep. You might sacrifice social obligations, you will sacrifice social obligations. You might sacrifice your hobbies, your goals, whatever it is for a short period of time. Because if you don’t that little thing, that little person will not grow up. But if you’re sacrificing yourself, if you’re sacrificing your time, your money, your health, your sleep for your grown ass adult child, for your 20, 30, 40, 50 year old kid there is no honor in that.

Don’t Become a Perpetual Victim

There is no noble behavior or a pat on the back or medal around your neck for that. It is a very toxic and very dysfunctional mode of operating and parenting. If that’s what you’re doing, if you’re sacrificing yourself for your spouse over and over and over and over again, and calling that in the name of love, then you have a very twisted and distorted understanding of what love looks like, feels like, is experienced. So I want you to hear this for the parents that say I sacrifice everything for my kid, stop making this about your kid. Start thinking about why you think that it is either good or noble to sacrifice yourself to kill yourself off for somebody else to live. How somebody else lives by you living, by you not sacrificing yourself, by you not giving up who you are, your goals, your dreams, your ambitions, your desires for somebody else. Because if you do that you want to know what happens? They’re going to find a way in life to sacrifice everything that they are, and everything that they have, either for something else or a drink or a drug. So lead by example. If you notice that this is something you’re doing please, please, please consider looking at that behavior and asking yourself why. And once you get to that why, ask yourself why, and once you get to that why, ask yourself why. Eventually if you dig deep and get to the bottom of it then you will be able to see the truth and the truth is you are only doing it because of fear. You are only doing it because you think that’s the way something’s going to change. And the truth of the matter my friends, is this. If you sacrifice yourself you do not exist in that relationship, nor do they feel your presence because they don’t see the person that raised them. They just see somebody that’s just a perpetual victim.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Today is going to be the best day of your life.

Kelsey Gearhart

Director of Business Development

Kelsey carries multiple years of experience working in the substance abuse and mental health treatment field. Her passion for this field comes from her personally knowing recovery from addiction.

Prior to Buckeye she held titles of Recovery Coach, Operations Director, and Admissions Director. Kelsey was brought on at Buckeye Recovery as the Director of Business Development. She has a passion for ensuring every individual gets the help that they need, and does so by developing relationships with other providers.

Kelsey also oversees our women’s sober living environments – The Chadwick House for Women. She is committed to creating a safe, nurturing, and conducive environment for all women that walk through the doors of Chadwick.