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(Re) Mothering Yourself

Alright everyone, what is up, what is up? We are back for another family education and support group with Parham. Today’s going to be a relevant and pertinent discussion on an upcoming event that is near and dear to many people’s hearts. Sometimes it’s with a positive connotation, sometimes it’s with a negative connotation, and sometimes it’s somewhere in between. So let me give you a little introduction of myself and what we do here on this channel and what we do during these live streams while we wait for some participants to come in. So my name is Parham. I have a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an emphasis in Child Development. I am a licensed Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor. I also teach Community College. Currently I’m teaching Family Dynamics of Addiction and Abuse at Saddleback Community College and I’ll be taking on some more classes hopefully here in the near future. I’ve been coaching high school basketball for 15 years at Aliso Niguel high school and I’m also in the recovery process myself, so June 13th of 2008 is the day that I shifted gears and started to live a life that was a little bit different than the previous life. I was living in darkness and despair and I had no hope and I was experiencing mental health challenges and substance abuse issues and today I am not. And it’s next month if we get there which we got to wait because we don’t give fronts in the recovery world. It’ll be 16 years of this transformation. This is a live stream so it is May 11th 2024, it’s about 9:15 Pacific Standard Time and it’s interactive also. So for example we’ve had a few people pop up here Jaleh said good morning. Jim, Counselor Jim said good morning. If you have any questions you’re always free feel free to ask them and I’ll do my best to respond in real time and give you the support that you need and deserve. 

And all that being said today we are talking about Mother’s Day, and here’s the reality of it. So either you were mothered in life, you have a need to be re-mothered. And we got shout out to Faye which is my mother. She’s here always supporting so happy Mother’s Day, Mom! I know I’m going to see you tomorrow and what we’re going to do is talk about this thing called re-mothered away. Either your mom was loving, supportive, nurturing, or your mom was cold, distant, absent, or it was a combination of both of those things. It’s not this or that in life, it never is this or that in life. Some people are a range of life experiences but the most important part to know is this. That this talk is not intended nor will it have any type of undertones of putting fault or blame on anyone who’s raised you. Because at the end of the day it is our responsibility as adults to look at the life that we have, to look at the world that created ourselves and our development, and also to look at the future that we’re walking into. So if you had love, care, nurture, support growing up, and right now you’re doing okay and you’re in healthy relationships, good on the world that raised you the way you needed it. And if you didn’t, and right now you have all these challenges in your life, I want you to know the following. That it does not mean that’s going to be the story for the rest of your life unless you choose not to do anything about it, and not take responsibility for your healing, and not take responsibility for potentially the need to re-mothered. You can transform the lives of others around you and ensure that they do not have the disadvantageous upbringing situations that you had. And lastly and most importantly, if you heal from it you will break multigenerational patterns and why are these patterns so important? Because if we do not take action on the deficiencies and the deficits in our life growing up, whether we want to or don’t want to, often times it will repeat itself again. I mean how many people struggled with the mental illness or the addiction of their parents and as a child they’re like, “I’ll never do that, there’s no way I’m doing that to anybody, it’s too painful,” and all of a sudden later on in life they’re drinking, they’re using drugs, they’re in abusive relationships and they’re like, “what the heck just happened? How did I just recreate what it was that I hated as a child?” It’s because we never healed from it. 

Also I want to share this. A mom doesn’t necessarily have to be your biological mother. A mom doesn’t necessarily have to be the person that’s supposed to be your mom. Sometimes mothers come in various different ways and shapes and sizes and forms. Sometimes it could be a stepparent. Sometimes it could be a grandparent. Sometimes it could be an older sibling and it also doesn’t even have to be a female. We had a counselor here who sometimes pops on. His name is Tony – he played the maternal role, playing the maternal role to this day, when he started working with us seven or eight years ago. He had a four-year-old daughter and the mom was not in the life and he as a father took on the maternal role and raised this person like a mom would. So a maternal role could be played by many different people but regardless of who your mom was and how they showed up or didn’t show up, I believe that all human beings that come across our path in life they’re there for either like a blessing in our life to really just say, “God, I’m so grateful to have this in my life,” or they come in, they teach us a lesson. Sometimes learning what not to do is just as important as learning what to do.. By learning how not to be is just as important is learning of how to be – we learn from all that stuff if we choose to put aside the resentment, animosity, anger that we may have from an experience and say, how can I learn from this experience. And if you’re also a mom watching this right now I know that you’re here because either your loved one has had some addiction in their life, maybe they’ve had some challenges in their life, and you just want to do what you want to do to help. I want to tell you this. Please know that you didn’t solely cause the addiction, and you can’t cure it either. I know you want to just take away the pain of someone and you want to be able to make sure they’re okay but you can’t cure this thing. And trust me when I say this. You can’t control it either. How many mothers and parents try their best to control the outcome of the lives of their children and they realize the more they try to control it the more it becomes out of control. The more they try to control it the more they lose control themselves. And before you know it the loved one’s sick, the mom’s sick, everyone’s sick, and it’s just a very very dysfunctional family system. Please remember this – that you did what you did at the time and it was the best you knew. Especially if you were never raised well how are you supposed to give something you don’t have? But now my friends that are better, you are responsible to do better now that you know better, you’re just responsible to do better.

And to the other ones, Bita came on here, good morning! John, Marilyn, what is up my friend? Allan, what is up? We’re representing all the United States here, pretty cool. Also for those of you who are watching that you’re in the recovery process please remember this – that often times you don’t make it here because of how extraordinary you are. You make it here because other people did not give up on you when you gave up on yourself. Other people believed in you when you did not believe in yourself. And sometimes that is the maternal role in life. Again it doesn’t always have to be the mom but someone took on that role and said, “Hey you’re worth it, I’m not going to give up.” And we got another shout out. Cuz, Happy Mother’s Day to you! I know it’s a new mother experience so hopefully it’s a good one for you.

What we’re going to do right now is go through and I’m going to share some signs that you may need to be re-mothered in life.

  1. Number one if you have unrealistic expectations in various relationships it is a telltale sign that you need to be re-mothered by a maternal role. I don’t want all the moms to get defensive right now – it’s just a maternal role. A child has certain expectations. What are those expectations? To show up, to be present, to be emotionally available, to have compassion, to have love, to have support. And if you did not receive that growing up now you get into your own relationships in life and because you have this deficit of this need for a version of a human to show up in a certain way and they never showed up, guess what’s going to happen in your personal relationships? You’re going to have unrealistic expectations of your partner, of your spouse, of your child, and if you constantly see that you are hoping and expecting someone to show up a certain way and they don’t it’s not because that person’s wrong or bad. It’s not because you’re bad. It just has to do with the fact that growing up you wanted someone to show up in a certain way and they didn’t. So that’s a telltale sign right there – number one, unrealistic expectations in various relationships. So you can do your own assessment of the relationships in your life and check what your expectations are of the people and places and things in it. If they’re unrealistic, if you want someone to do something they can’t do, potentially it goes back to your own upbringing in your own childhood.
  1. The next one we have is the inability to practice foundational self-care. So what does that mean? Well, who’s supposed to take care of a child? The family system, right? The mom, the dad, and there are certain things that the maternal role needs to do and that is to provide care for the child, to love, to support, to help them rest, to help them understand the value of taking care of themselves, to help them feel safe in this world, that oftentimes could feel unsafe and scary if you did not receive that support and love and care from the primary caregiver in the maternal role, you are unable to do so right now as an adult. You don’t care what you put into your body, you don’t care what time you sleep at night, you don’t care what time you wake up, you don’t care about your emotional needs, you do not address foundational self-care in your life. You never learned it growing up when you needed to learn it and now that everyone’s telling you you must do X Y and Z, you don’t know how to do it. So if you look through your life and all these counselors and clinicians and self-help places are saying self-care, self-care, self-care but you’re constantly avoiding and neglecting self and not taking care of yourself, it is a sign that you need to be re-mothered.
  1. The next one we have here is living the unlived lives of your mother. So number three, living the unlived lives of your mother and not being true to your own dreams. Children that come from family dysfunction, a dysfunctional maternal role in their life, they start to feel guilt. And when they get older they have this perception that they have to be someone that they’re mother or maternal role would say what I’m proud of, I love and care for. And oftentimes they don’t know that by being authentically themselves they can achieve that same outcome. So what they do is give up on their own goals and dreams and do what it is that they think that maternal role wants them to do, or be who that maternal role wants them to be, in order to receive the love they never got. I’ve had many human beings say, “The life I’m living is not the life I wanted. It’s the life I thought my parents wanted me to live.” That is so sad to give up your own authenticity to give up your own genuine kind of individuality who you are because you want the world around you to say, “Oh thank you.” How many kids go to colleges and take majors that they don’t want to take because they think that by doing so they’re living the unlived lives of their parents. So sad because in that scenario they’re never going to experience passion, happiness, joy. If anything they’re going to be resentful, pissed off, bitter people, get into relationships with people that they think that their mom wants them to get into. Who’s living your life? And that comes from the deficiency and the deficits created in childhood. So if you are living the unlived lives of those who raised you and you’re giving up your own kind of dreams, hopes, passions in life, it is a telltale sign that you need to be re-mothered.
  1. The next one we have here is the inability to ask and receive support. Now this is huge in life because as human beings going through life for the very first time we need to ask for help. You need to get support or else you’re not going to know what the hell you’re doing life. It’s very similar to a very complicated box that comes from Ikea and it’s got 5,000 different things that you got to do to set up one stupid item. If that box did not come with an instruction manual you will have a really hard time. Well guess what, life does not come with an instruction manual and it’s the most complex box you could ever get that you need to assemble. In order to do so you must ask for help and support. And growing up, if you were not able to ask for help from your maternal role because maybe that person was going through a lot themselves and you thought by adding a little bit of your stuff to it, it’s going to overwhelm the family system, and potentially it’s going to cause harm to them, and potentially it’s gonna be a burden on them, guess what you did? You closed your mouth, you didn’t ask for help, you didn’t need support. You tried to do it on your own. Well if that was the case how is it working for you? How is life? How is living in this complicated world without asking for help and support working for you? I know it’s not really working. I’m a clinician. I sit with people. They tell me about their inability to ask for help and they’re never living lives. They’re thriving and for those people to say, “Well, I just didn’t do it because I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want to…” where did you learn that lesson? You think if you’re an adult right now saying I don’t want to be a burden on somebody else, where do you think you learned that lesson? Please please don’t think you just learned that right now, or you’re being mindful or you’re being kind of respectful. You learn that because at some point you felt like you were a burden. So if you have the inability to ask for help seek support. It is a very very telltale sign that you need to be re-mothered in life.
  1. The next one we have here is disordered eating. So nutrition is kind of the gateway to our overall health movement. Nutrition is feeding our thoughts, feeding our mind, feeding our soul with things that nourish us. Where do we learn that from? Often times from the maternal role growing up. I mean the connection of intimately feeding a human being is our first relationship that we have with food. The way that we’re loved and nurtured when breastfeeding for example, or bottle, whatever it is, it’s our first experience of exposure to food. So if that relationship was dysfunctional and on top of that if you had a mom that was hypercritical, if you had a mom that was judgmental, if you had a mom that had her own issues because their mom was the same way to them, guess how they’re going to be with you? They’re going to say things that are going to be harsh and mean and critical. They’re going to make comments about the way you look and the way that you present yourself to the world. They’ll even say, “If you look like that you’re never going to find happiness in life.” And when you start doing that at a young age to a human being and a child that’s developing, they’re going to start to have certain ideas around nutrition and eating and diet and it could turn into Eating Disorders. Eating Disorders are not exclusive to females. Please break that stigma that it’s just a female thing. Males have Eating Disorders as well. Body Dysmorphia is not just a female thing. Males have Body Dysmorphia as well and it all comes from low self-esteem, fear of criticism, feeling like you’re not good enough if you don’t look a certain way. I have a lot of compassion for people that struggle with eating disorders and body image issues and stuff, because food is one of the only drugs in this world that we actually need for survival. We actually need it for survival. And if you have an unhealthy relationship with what is needed for survival imagine how survival is going to be. It is not a pretty experience. Eating Disorders are also comorbid or they’re also co-occurring with other mental health disorders such as anxiety disorders, such as substance abuse, such as maladaptive behaviors, and coping skills like self harm, cutting, all that kind of stuff. So it’s very tangled and it’s very impactful to the life of a person. So if you have an eating disorder and by the way live in society we sometimes need re-mothering. Here’s another word, here’s another phrase. Some of us, if not all of us, need to re-mother ourselves from the way that society has raised us. Society creates these standards, these goals in these kind of ways of being that are idealistic, sometimes not realistic, and it becomes this vision that we need to live up to. First of all, who the hell is society in the first place? And why do we have to live up to the standards of it? So we need to mother ourselves from what we’ve been programmed, of how we need to live this thing called life. And if you struggle with eating disorders please get help for it. It’s something that needs to be addressed. The sooner you have a healthy relationship with food and what you consume the sooner you’ll be able to start improving your mental health. Because if you’re always in a deficit nutritionally it’s really hard to address anything else. There’s a form of therapy called intuitive eating. Intuitive therapy. You should look it up. It changes your relationship with food if that’s what you’re going through. If you have Eating Disorders it’s a telltale sign that you might need to re-mother yourself.

What did Jim say here? “Asking for help can be difficult in early recovery. ‘I got this’ is not our solution.” ‘I got this’, in general, once in a while it’s okay. Like, “Hey no, I got this,” if you feel competent enough to do it, it’s okay to say ‘I got this’ but if you have no idea what you’re doing, like no idea, and you say ‘I got this’ you really got to look into why am I even doing that? Why am I even thinking that I got this when I don’t? It just means you come from dysfunction that you had to get this on your own or else nobody else would. Good stuff Jim, always.

  1. The next one we have here is allowing or accepting poor or abusive treatment of self and others. So why is this one of the signs that you got to start to become like the norm? A lot of children that come from abusive households don’t know that their household is much different than other households. At first they just think that’s the way it is. Or if you experienced abuse and your maternal role never stepped in to protect you or guide you or support you or save you from something later on in life what happens is this. I know a lot of people are not going to understand or even agree with what I’m about to say. But if you are in relationships as an adult and you are experiencing abuse or someone else in your life is being abused and you’re not doing anything about it I’m telling you that there is something highly correlated with your own upbringing. And again, it’s like well, wait a second. If someone was abused in life, let’s just say someone has no idea this wasn’t a part of their life and they’re listening to me talk right now. They’re like, wait a second, this guy just said if someone is abused growing up later on in life they might allow abuse, or also potentially even abuse somebody themselves like that. Doesn’t make sense. Well, guess what? That’s what happens. And again, you might be saying that happened to you and it didn’t happen. Now well, first of all congratulations, you broke a damn cycle. You did what is needed to do for your own survival, and for the survival of the generations after you. You just did what was necessary. But for those who don’t, which is the majority of people by the way, cycles continue to repeat themselves. So if you’re in a relationship right now and you’re allowing some type of abuse to take place, or you are accepting it, or even just being passive about it, complicit about it, it’s a telltale sign that you got to be re-mothered. It’s a shame. What is shame? It’s a belief, it’s a deep rooted belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you, such as “I am not lovable. I am not worthy of love. I don’t deserve happiness.” See, shame is not something that we’re born with. No human being is born with shame. Some people oftentimes intertwine guilt and shame together. They use it like, “Oh I feel guilty and ashamed.” Guilt and shame are two completely different things. Guilt comes from an action or an inaction. Guilt comes from either doing something you should not have done or not doing something you should have done. So it comes from an action or inaction. You change your actions and you could potentially start to eliminate the guilt in your life moving forward. Shame has nothing to do with what you do – it’s with who you are. It’s how you feel about yourself, how you internalize yourself, how you view yourself in this thing called life. And in your life if you were told you’re not good enough in your life, if you were told that you’re not smart enough, you’re not beautiful enough, you’re not X enough, it starts to download in the self and the person starts to believe all of that. If you have shame in your soul, in your mind, in your heart, that was thrown in there by other people it is a telltale sign that you need to be re-mothered. If you feel relentlessly needy in relationships. Relentlessly means non-stop, it means like clockwork all day, every day, just always being needy in relationships. What type of relationships? All relationships, not just romantic ones, not just familial ones. I’m talking about work, school, I’m talking about social, all of it. And why is somebody relentlessly needy in a relationship? Because their needs never got met. What needs are we even talking about? I’m talking about basic needs man, food, shelter, water, love, connection, those major needs that we have as human beings. If they never got met growing up you are going to go around life trying to get those needs met in different places, people and things. And guess what? You’re going to come up short. There’s nothing wrong with expressing your needs in a relationship and having the universe of that person reciprocate them. But if it’s relentless “Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? What are you doing? Where you at? Blah blah blah blah blah” relentlessly. And one of my biggest pet peeves in life is people say I just want someone to take care of me. Don’t get me wrong – it’s cool to have someone take care of you sometimes, but those who are just seeking to find a partner or a life or a world where someone just takes care of them, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Because here’s the thing. If one day that person leaves or doesn’t take care of you what are you left with? A vulnerable individual who is lacking the ability to take care of themselves because all they do is rely on other people to take care of them. I’m a big believer of this. If you find someone that helps you in life and can take care of you when you need it, beautiful thing. It’s a great relationship. But what if that person never comes? What if nobody takes care of you? Are you willing to do to yourself what the world did to you and also not take care of yourself also, not give yourself what it is you need? I don’t know, personally I would say I’m just going to bet on the fact that the only person that can take care of myself is me. So if you have this relentless need in relationships to be needy and have someone take care of you it’s a telltale sign that you need to be re-mothered. 

“What are the recommended modern practices to break the cycle of abuse, to break the nervous system cycle of abuse?” What’s up, guys? So modern practices? I don’t know about that. I don’t even think that breaking cycles is a modern thing. I think the fundamental elements needed to break any type of cycle in life are actually timeless things, whether it was a thousand years ago, 500 years ago, current day or a thousand years from now. I believe in order to break multigenerational patterns and cycles of dysfunction and abuse there are certain characteristics. There’s no new technique that does it. Number one is you have to look at your life – you have to reflect, look at your life and answer the following question. Is the life I have, in the way that I’m experiencing this thing called life, what I want it to be, how I envisioned it to be? If the answer is yes, cool! If the answer is no, that’s where we move to the next stage. The next stage is, how did my life end up this way, why did my life end up this way? And that’s where the beauty of doing some healing work and reflective work into the past and looking at the different life experiences we had, the good, the bad, the ups and downs, the everything in between, looking at our traumas, looking at our family dynamics, looking at the way that we’ve experienced life, looking at the challenges we’ve gone through, processing them, talking through them, working through them. And once you get to the present moment, this is how patterns get broken. You make a commitment, a sincere desire followed by massive action to make the future look different than the past. If that commitment is there no matter what happens, as soon as you see red flags, you don’t engage. As soon as you feel certain feelings in your past that you’re feeling right now you don’t continue. As soon as you start hanging out with people that you shouldn’t be hanging out with you discontinue. As soon as you’re willing to change patterns in your life that were in the patterns of the past when you start to make those changes on a moment by moment by moment basis moving forward, ultimately those moments create this thing called the future. That future will be different than the past. When that future is different than the past it will no longer have the same cycles in it. So there ain’t no modern version to do this. It comes from the basics – you look at your past, you look at your present, you look at your future. If you want your future to be different than your past you got to do something different. And by the way, when do people change and decide to break multigenerational patterns of dysfunction and abuse? Simple – when the pain of staying the same becomes too much. That pain threshold is different for everybody. I don’t know what it is for you but if you want to break that cycle the only human being that will break that cycle is you. No one can take that away from you. I strongly encourage that if you come from some type of family dysfunction, to do whatever you got to do to break the cycle. Because if you don’t you are susceptible to the high percentage of somewhere around 75 to 80% of repeating exactly what the hell happened to you to somebody else. So I’ll leave that up to you. Great question! You made me think on the spot. I had to get very creative and spontaneous on my feet answering that. I appreciate that question. 

So what are the keys to be successfully re-mothered? All the telltale signs of why you got to do it? What are the keys? Let’s go through them quick. Oh I don’t have them written down, so I’ll just do them with top of my head. So number one let me just write this part down. Keys to re-mothering yourself. So we’re going to go over these keys right here.

 

  1. And number one is, you got to have patience. How long did it take for you to grow up? It’s relevant to how old you are but those first few years. It took some time for those neural pathways to get developed for your ability or inability to trust the world to get established, for your communication patterns to be rooted into your mind, for the way you process your emotions to be able to manifest, it took a while. And now you’ve said, “Okay well, I need to be re-mothered now.” It ain’t going to happen now. You got to be patient in this process. Patience is a virtue. Patience is something that lacks in our society. Patience is something that lacks on an individual level. Because we are all transformed into these damn instant gratification junkies that want everything to happen right now. And if you want to be re-mothered that is whole and healthy and loving and nurturing, and like I say every week and I’ll continue to say it every week, direction is more important than speed. So as long as you’re going in the right direction you’re going to get there but you have to have patience to do it. 
  1. The next one is learning that discipline is a good thing. Who would have thought that discipline is a good thing? Oh my God, it is discipline. Unfortunately in our society it has been entwined or intertangled or bunched together with negative connotations. When someone is bad they must be disciplined, when something has gone wrong it needs to have discipline to course correct it. There’s a time and place for that. However discipline, true discipline, has nothing to do with the actions you’ve taken or haven’t taken. Discipline has to do in the present moment, on a day-to-day basis, how you live your life. Are you willing to do the things you need to do even when you don’t want to do them? Are you willing to do the things that you need to do even when it’s uncomfortable to do them? Are you willing to sacrifice some of your pleasure and leisure to take care of business in order to create times to have pleasure and leisure in the the future? Discipline is a very powerful thing. It’s the key to success in the recovery process, the key to success in life, in business, in school, in relationships. Those who have discipline are the ones who succeed. Because if not, you just wake up and you say, “I’m the spontaneous type and I like to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I like to do what I feel like doing.” Man you’re going to live such a mediocre life. You’re never going to feel like doing the things you need to do all the time. Discipline, structure and it’s things we need. A lot of people come from homes like a divorced household, or a split marriage household, for a fact that the guilt that existed in mom or dad or both was so high sometimes that they just let you get away with whatever you wanted to get away with. There was no discipline. You turn into their friend, you turn into their homie that you could do whatever wrong, or no one’s supervising you. There was no discipline. So if you lack discipline growing up and no one’s around, I mean no one’s disciplining adults right now,  so you got to discipline yourself. That’s a form of re-mothered self-care. It’s the key. 
  1. If you never had someone to care for you must learn how to have balance in your life in order to care for the mind, the body, the spirit, the soul of you. How do you live a balanced life? A lot of people say they struggle with balance. The reason why they struggle with balance is because they struggle with balance on a day-to-day basis. See, if you want to have balance in your life here’s the tip. You got to have balance in your day. So if you want to feel rested in life, if you want to feel like you’re having fun in life, if you want to feel like you’re moving forward in life, if you want to feel like you have relationships and social relationships and personal relationships and downtime in a balanced way in your life, then you’re responsible for creating all of that in one day. If you have it for one day, you have a balanced day, if you repeat that process the next day, the next day, the next day for seven days in a row you will have experienced potentially for the first time, your first balanced week in life. Put four of those weeks together and you might have a balanced month. Put 12 of those months together and you’re going to have a balanced year and you no longer will struggle with balance. And how do we have balance in our day? Well, look at all the things you need in your life. You need rest, you need nutrients, you need fun, you need work, you need passion, you need socialization. Okay eight hours of it, give or take, go to rest. If you’re sleeping at midnight and waking up at 5: if you’re sleeping late watching TV, this and that and you’re tired in the morning you just caused balance to not exist in your life. It has nothing to do with life. So eight hours of it goes to sleep. Eight hours of it could go to work, whether you’re home, or in the office, or go to school, whatever, it is eight hours of that. There’s eight hours left. If you do not incorporate balance in those eight hours you will not have a balanced life. Spend some time eating stuff that’s nutritious and balanced that feeds you, that fuels you. Spend some time talking to people that you love and care for. Spend some time doing something that’s fun for you. Spend some time doing something for your body. Spend some time, whatever else the other things you need in life to have balance, do it one day, you have a balanced day. Do it every day and you got a balanced life. Some people say every day is a little too much for them. Well, guess what? Either you’re gonna do it or you’re not. Either you’re gonna have balance in your life or you’re not. I personally don’t care what you do or not. I do, I got structure, I got discipline, I got balance, that’s how I have this vitality to do what I do. And if you’ve never seen me talk before and you’re just watching for the first time go watch the past four years of videos. Every single time I’m just like this. The only way I show up like this is because I have balance in my life. 

So what do we got here? “Balance changes with age.” Yeah for sure, there’s different types of balances. Man, I think everything changes with age but you’re like that fine non-alcoholic wine, you just get better with age, my friend. I would say you’re like fine wine but I know we don’t drink so you’re like fine non-alcoholic wine. I don’t even know if that shit’s good but we’ll cross that bridge later. 

  1. The next one you have to have is compassion and unconditional positive regard. If you’re trying to mother yourself have some compassion for the self. Remember, if you came from a traumatic upbringing, if you didn’t have love, if you didn’t have nature, if you didn’t have nurture, if you didn’t have support, guess what? There’s still a wounded child inside of you. That wounded child is who you are trying to mother, and if something or someone is wounded and you don’t have compassion towards that person what does it say about you? I know you’re not cold and callous and harsh but if you don’t have compassion for your wound itself you’re not doing a good job in the re-mothering regard. What does that mean? No matter what you do when you’re trying to change, don’t be so harsh on yourself. You will make mistakes and that’s okay. You will struggle with your transformation and that’s okay. Just have unconditional positive regard. Because you’re trying the best you can to change these multigenerational patterns. 
  1. And the very last one if you’re trying to re-mother yourself break the cycle. Show up as the person you always needed but never had. Show up as that maternal role that gives love, nurture, caring to self and to others. If enough people break the cycle and re-mother themselves when needed they will be able to transform this freaking world. However, despite the fact that probably millions of people need to do it only a fraction of them actually do and that’s just human nature I guess. 

So in conclusion, today we talked about re-mothering. Right after this, I’m going to get our brunch order for tomorrow which I know I’m going to have to go stand in some massive lines but I’m willing to make the sacrifice for all the things she did for me, to get some waffles and pancakes and whatever the heck else she wants. It’s all the other moms out there who believe in your loved ones and your families, and to anyone out there if you’ve lost your mom and you’re struggling with this day, positive thoughts and positive vibes towards you and in your mom’s energy, whether that human being was a solid person in your life or someone that was hurt and didn’t know how to raise a kid or this and that, I hope one day you find peace within. However your story was, whoever those people were in your story, take some responsibility for your own life and how you want to be thought of and remembered one day. It’s a beautiful thing, man. I love and appreciate all of you. I will be back same time, same place next week. I do look forward to speaking with you all, and have a wonderful weekend. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day! See you later! Bye, everyone!

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Today is going to be the best day of your life.

Kelsey Gearhart

Director of Business Development

Kelsey carries multiple years of experience working in the substance abuse and mental health treatment field. Her passion for this field comes from her personally knowing recovery from addiction.

Prior to Buckeye she held titles of Recovery Coach, Operations Director, and Admissions Director. Kelsey was brought on at Buckeye Recovery as the Director of Business Development. She has a passion for ensuring every individual gets the help that they need, and does so by developing relationships with other providers.

Kelsey also oversees our women’s sober living environments – The Chadwick House for Women. She is committed to creating a safe, nurturing, and conducive environment for all women that walk through the doors of Chadwick.