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Ted Lasso – 12 Leadership Lessons

Alrighty, what is up everyone? Happy Saturday! It’s August 19th of 2023. Oh man, four months left of this year huh. Some years are better than others and hopefully for you and your loved ones you’re having a good year. I know for some people they’re having a challenging year right now and everybody else is somewhere in between. But welcome back to another family education and support group with your host Parham. This is a weekly live stream that we do here on our Facebook page, on our YouTube page, Buckeye Recovery Network, and it’s something that we’ve been doing for probably over three years now, three and a half years now. So it’s got a little bit of continuity to it. It’s got a little small group of committed faithful individuals who follow this each and every single week. And the intention of this group is to provide you, the watcher or the listener, with some information on various topics such as mental health, addictions, communication, rebuilding trust, personal development, leadership, self-care, and a little bit of everything in between. I’d like to say Good Morning to all the people popping on and this is interactive. If you’re new, when you post a comment like Counselor Jim over here or the Flaherty family I could just put them up on the screen and we can have a dialogue and a conversation about it. I do my best to be conscious and mindful of the comments as they come in to be able to engage and interact with you. 

A few things about myself while we get ready to have this talk. Like I said, my name is Parham. I have a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an emphasis in Child Development. I am a licensed Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor, so my specialty is addictions and addictive behaviors and processes. I am in recovery myself. June 13th of 2008 is the day that I chose to go on a different path of life and live a different way. I’m also a high school basketball coach. Our basketball season’s starting here in about a month and a half. We got our yearbook pictures popping up. It’ll be the 15th time I’m in the yearbook as a coach at Aliso Niguel High School as an assistant coach. I’m also a college faculty instructor at Saddleback Community College. Like I said last week, they did not give me a class in the fall but we’re hoping for spring.

Let’s see what we got here. Jess, she says she’s sorry she missed last week’s live. It’s okay Jess, you’re human, you had stuff that you will call it. And Sharon: “Hello from Florida! At work right now, just finished an addiction recovery group and manifesting dreams.” So Sharon is out there in the east coast doing what I’m doing out here in the west coast, which is breaking the stigma of mental illness and addiction and teaching human beings what’s possible and available to them, if they allow their mind to go there, which is a form of manifestation. So thank you for the work you do, Sharon, as I say every week. 

Today is a brand new talk. If you’ve been watching me for years you know sometimes I go down the repetitive route because I run out of things to say too, because I think that as the audience grows it’s okay to go back and play something old. We go to enough concerts. Sometimes there are certain songs that they play in every damn concert. And I got my talks that I like to do but this talk is a little bit different. And if you know anything about me you know that it’s very very rare that I would suggest/ recommend/ promote anything that’s on television to the viewers. Because of the too many options out there and the fact that I see so many people get caught up in the Netflix binge or they get caught up in watching the next episode right when it ends, and before you know it, 6 PM, they got home and now it’s 10:30 and they didn’t do anything but sit on the couch the entire night. So I’m very cautious, especially the content that TV shows have, I feel if it doesn’t enrich someone’s mind, motivate their behavior, change their perspective, it’s really a waste of time, to be honest. And from my perspective, I know there’s some entertainment value in it but entertainment needs to be short and not binge-watched. There’s only so much entertainment you need in a day. But there’s a TV show that I’m going to strongly recommend and based on that TV show I found some content on the internet and I’m gonna take that content and change it to what we do here, which is talking about life, recovery, transformation. Right before I start, I want you to know that every talk I will ever do in my life is always dedicated to one thing and one thing only, and that’s the possibility of human transformation. So I believe that all human beings, including myself and you and your loved ones, and everyone around us, has the ability to transform their life in any given moment that they choose to. Yes, that moment could be right now. If you had a bad day yesterday I promise you, you can transform and have a good day today. If you had a bad week last week you can transform and have a wonderful week in the upcoming week. If you had a bad month last month, transform it and let’s have a really really good month. And you had a bad year, a bad decade, transform it and have a different one. It’s available and accessible to all of us if you believe it. So the show is on Apple TV and the reason why some people when they’re scrolling through they might not be excited to watch it right off the bat, is because the overall theme of it seems to be around the central theme of football/ soccer. Football, what they call in the world as soccer when they call it in the US. And so some people might say, “oh I don’t want to watch the show about sports,” and they miss the opportunity to find out what the show is really about. Ted Lasso, my friends, is not about soccer or football. It’s not about sports. It’s about life and and in its purest most beautiful way, the show at Ted Lasso does something that no other show can really really really do or grasp. And this is the thing. It shows us as human beings, what it’s like to live beyond our limiting beliefs. It shows human beings what it’s like to break the stigma of mental health and mental illness and break the societal norms of what we’re supposed to do and not supposed to do. It teaches us to look beyond our differences and find our similarities. Ted Lasso teaches us what it means to actually have compassion for our brothers and sisters, to learn how to forgive people and forget people. It teaches us what’s possible when we all come together. It teaches us how to be vulnerable and work through our fears. And yes, there is some stuff in there about sports but I’m telling you this, my friends. If you have the time, 30 minute episodes, watch the first four or five episodes before you make up your mind, and come back and let me know how that show is impacting the way you look at life.

So real quick, before I get into the 12 lessons that we learned from Ted lasso, the premise of the show, if you really want to know what it is, and I don’t know if you do or not, but there is this English Premier League football team which is a soccer team in England that plays in the highest league. So imagine like our NBA or NFL – it’s the highest league for soccer. The owner of the team is going through a divorce and his wife in the divorce settlement wins over the ownership of the soccer team. Because this soccer team means so much to her ex-husband, what she wants to do is, she wants to burn it to the ground. She wants to destroy it, destroy his legacy, take the last bit of joy this man has in his life. So what she does is she goes and finds an American football coach from Kansas which is the character Ted Lasso, and hires him to teach a sport that he has nothing, no information about, which is soccer in the highest league in England. Her hope, her intention, is that it’s gonna screw things up. Watch the show and see what it does. Not only does that plan not work out, they end up becoming very very very good friends and everything else is a beautiful, beautiful journey from that point on. So when I’m talking about this show I’m not talking about the show itself. I’m not talking about soccer for God’s sakes. I’m not talking about any of that stuff. I’m using the lessons that we can learn from Ted Lasso to apply to you and your healing, your recovery, and your transformation journey. So internalize everything I’m saying right now and let’s get into it.

The first quote from the show that I just want to share with you because it just captures what the essence of the show really is. And there’s a line that says, “I hope that either all of us or none of us are judged by the actions of our weakest moments, but rather the strength we show when and if we’re ever given a second chance.” Oh my goodness, I hope that all of us or none of us is ever judged by the things we do, the mistakes we make in life, but by what we do and how we show up if we’re ever given a second chance. And if you are in recovery my friends, if you’re a family member that has a loved one in recovery, and we all got second chances that’s where the magic happens. I hope we’re all judged by what we do when we get those second chances. Some of us get second chances, third chances, fourth chances, fifth chances. It doesn’t matter what we do when someone or something gives us the chances when we have the ability to go and… yeah Marilyn, you know it is beautiful and I promise you that one quote is one of thousands in that show. And I’m not even exaggerating. A very powerful moment that captures the recovery process. Humanity, mental health in its best. So please watch it. It’s on Apple TV. If you don’t have a subscription just get it for a month and cancel it. It’s worth it, I promise you that.

 

1. So number one of the 12 things we learned from Ted Lasso is to believe in yourself. They have the little side on the locker room and it says ‘Believe,’ and I’ll tell you why this is important. We can go back to what Henry Ford said a long time ago when he said this: “Whether you think you can or you can’t you’re right.” Lots of human beings come into the recovery process, either themselves or their families, not knowing or believing if they can succeed and they’ve already missed the most important foundational element of succeeding, and that’s the belief that they can. The same way that I say I believe in the possibility of human transformation is the reason why I see transformations. It’s because of that belief. If I didn’t believe in it I would never see transformation. And you gotta believe that you watching this right now can accomplish what it is you set out to accomplish. I’m telling you, if you don’t believe you can do it you can’t. And the show right here, it really emphasizes that. I mean that’s a central theme that if you believe that you can do something you really can. And this is something that we tell kids all the time. We tell little children that if you believe it, you can do it. If you believe it you can conceive it. But with adults we forget that message and that’s such a sad sad sad transition. So belief also creates self-confidence. A lot of people coming into the recovery process don’t have confidence that they can achieve their goals. So where does it come from? If at the end of the day, you were able to achieve a list of tasks that you had set out for yourself, at the end of the day you start to gain a little bit of self-confidence. And if you repeat that process over the course of a day, a week, a month, your self-esteem and self-confidence increases. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. What kind of sustainable acts do you put in your day to accomplish? And once you get that your self-confidence will inspire those around you to foster a sense of trust and respect. How many of us want to be trusted? How many of us want to be respected? All of us. Well, how do we become trusted and respected is by believing in yourself and having self-confidence in the things you’re doing, including the recovery process. So I’m gonna put these up, by the way. 

 

2. So the next one is doing the right thing is never the wrong thing. Doing the right thing is never a wrong thing. And it says in a world filled with ethical dilemmas and gray areas, prioritizing integrity and moral values is crucial. Make decisions based on what is right and fair, not just what is convenient and profitable. So there’s never a wrong time to do the right thing, never. And how do we know? In a world full of ethical dilemmas and gray areas how do we go about it is this. Identify your values. I can’t be more serious about this next thing – to identify your values. My values and your values might be different but you have to identify your values, and here’s the reason why. If your values in life are honesty, hard work and family, for example, you’ve sat down and said these are the important things in my life. And if you don’t live a life that’s honest, if you live a life that’s free of hard work and you just kind of coast every day, if you live a life that you don’t engage with your family, or try to spend time with your family, you will feel negatively impacted. You will feel disempowered. You will feel weak. But if you live a life that aligns with your values, you tell the truth, you work hard, you spend time with your family, you will feel empowered. So if you want to find out what you do in life matches what your values are, it’s called being congruent. The more congruent you are the better you’re going to feel. 

There you go, look at that, Marilyn knows. I have the sign ‘Believe’ and ‘Always do the next right thing’ hanging in my house, and those are both from the show, so she gets it. Jim said, “Do the right thing even if you don’t want to.” That’s a powerful statement right there, and here’s why. Discipline is defined as doing what you know you need to do even when you don’t want to do it. So discipline can also be referred to as the right thing, and that’s a very important factor when it comes to recovery. Because guess what? A majority of the things that you have to do in your recovery process and early recovery are things that you don’t want to do. But you got to do them. And so that’s number two, which I think is really really important in a strong moral compass, kind of like our North Star. It’s our way we navigate through life, so make sure you got a strong one. Make sure you understand what that means for you.

 

3. The next one we have is, all people are different people. What that means: it says embrace the power of diversity and individuality. Recognize and celebrate these differences to create a more inclusive and productive life. So this one becomes really important. I’ll tell you why. Because we are currently living in a world, whether it’s a country of the United States, or the global kind of the bigger picture, the macro picture, that many people believe that only their version of life is the right way, and whatever the other people are doing is wrong. And that’s the biggest myth and lie in the world. Because here’s the thing. We might have different beliefs, we might be different people when it comes to certain ways we view the world, but all people are different people. And in that diversity, in those differences, there’s also a lot of beautiful things, there’s also a lot to be able to learn from one another. I mean, we’re coming up at a time, at least the US, in the next 365 days it’s going to get a little wild out here. People are going to be really really on top of their rooftops yelling and screaming why their way of life is the best, and you’re wrong, and all that kind of stuff. And what happens in the midst of all that? We miss out on the connection of the differences of each other that actually helps us move forward. When you’re in the recovery process and you say, “Well, hey this is the way I did it and that’s the way you have to do it, and if you don’t do it my way then you’re wrong,” you’re missing out on the chance that that person’s individual journey for recovery might be different than yours, and that’s okay. Show up and support them in their journey. Be an example of what’s possible when you’ve recovered and how you can actually help the next person also recover, even if it doesn’t look like yours. Especially if it doesn’t even look like yours, and that’s what we really got to do. So diversity is beautiful. You know, one thing I’m very proud of – I know a lot of you have never seen Buckeye Recovery Network or have never had a chance to come down to our facility because of limitations, distance, travel, all these barriers we have. If you ever saw our staff at Buckeye Recovery Network, let’s just say there’s 20 people. If you’ve never seen them you would be so… it’s interesting when you do, because from the time you walk in downstairs and you go upstairs and all the support staff around it is the most diverse group of human beings that you can ever imagine. And the diversity is so beautiful because it looks like we hired some marketing company to take a picture of a bunch of people from different backgrounds to say, “hey, we’re really inclusive and diverse,” but it’s the reality – it’s who we are and what we do. I didn’t even set out to do it like that strategically. It just organically happened. Because when people come in for the interview process I see all people as different people and that means everybody has something to teach, everybody has something powerful. 

And Eileen said, “Too often it stems from fear when judging people who are different from ourselves.” I think a lot of the divisiveness and a lot of the us versus them in society comes from fear, and it comes from ignorance, and it comes from lack of understanding, and it comes from lack of empathy. One thing I’ve learned – obviously I’m a clinician so I’m a little bit trained to do this – if someone comes in and sits in front of me and is different than me, the way they think or believe, and all that is different than me, all I have to do is put myself in that person’s shoes and see what their upbringing was like, and why they’ve perceived the world that way. And all of a sudden, it’s not about me, it’s about them and their journey and their life experience. And all I try to do is just embrace the differences, find the common ground and the similarities, connect and help. And you’re absolutely right, I mean a lot of this stuff comes from fear, Eileen, and it’s unfortunate, because there’s so much beauty in the differences of human beings.

 

4. The next one, number four, is to be able to see the good in others. Oh man, I wish more people did that, to see the good in others. You create a positive environment where everyone can thrive and you can encourage people and support people. When you go to a support group, if you ever go to a support group, one thing that they tell you is to look at the similarities and not the differences. Because what we do in society is we just kind of look at the differences and if people aren’t the way we are, what we do is, we label them as good or bad. If this person believes in this political ideology then they’re bad. If this person believes in this way of life then they’re bad. But you know what? What if that person that has certain beliefs has beautiful characteristic traits? What if that person has values that actually align with us but they have different political ideas and beliefs? Why can’t we see the good in that human being? I know I do. I have people on this talk that will be able to vouch for the fact that I do that. I don’t care if I’m different than you in two or three or four or five areas. I’m gonna find the one, two or three areas that we’re the same and guess what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna water that, I’m going to nurture that, I’m going to cherish that, I’m going to celebrate that. Why not look at the similarities and the good that we have amongst each other as human beings? Because those same common goods that we can identify and find if we look for them exist in all humanity, in all cultures, in all backgrounds, in all ethnicities. Human beings have a certain thing that everybody wants: love. Everybody wants to be acknowledged. Everybody wants to be appreciated for who and what they are. Everybody wants to be supported. Everybody wants to have somebody tell them, “I believe in you.” Universally, we all do, but what happens is when we start seeing the bad in other people we forget how easy it is to connect to the common good that we have. The common good, if we start really nurturing that good, increases significantly to make changes in this world. And so focus on the strengths of other people. Leave everything else aside. 

 

5. So the next one is, courage is about being willing to try. Ao last week we talked about courage a little bit and I’ll talk about it a little bit differently so it’s different than in last week’s talk. But it says that taking risks and stepping out of your comfort zone are essential for growth and success. Everybody that enters the world of transformation, whether you are trying to transform your circumstances, whether you’re trying to transform your physical appearance, whether you’re trying to transform your engagement with drugs and alcohol or addictive behaviors, whether you’re trying to transform various areas of your life, you must step out of your comfort zone. In order to do so you are exhibiting courage. I want you to know that. Sometimes even watching or listening to a talk like this could be a courageous act. You think it’s all just something I’m doing on a weekend but no, there could be some courage because there might be an area in your life that is so uncomfortable for you to be able to address but by watching this you get the inspiration and the motivation to step out your comfort zone and say “I’m gonna do it.” And by doing so, it’s important for us to remember to celebrate not only the successes you make when you step out of your comfort zone, but also celebrate the perceived failures when you step out of your comfort zone. Nobody expects you to be able to just kill it, or nobody expects you to just be able to just knock it out the park, or succeed right off the bat. Nobody does. You might have that for yourself but guess what? That might be an unrealistic expectation. You might have to give yourself a little bit of compassion and grace and say, “Hey, I’ve struggled with this for the majority of my life and I’m finally stepping out of my comfort zone to make some lasting changes.” Don’t give yourself such a tight rope that with the slightest perceived failure you say, “Oh I can’t do this.” Just keep going and just keep trying and just see how the story unfolds. Don’t judge the end and the outcome based on the initial setbacks and failures that you might get throughout the way. 

Let’s see what Marilyn said. That’s so true. “If you haven’t got something good to say don’t say it at all, as my grandmother would say.” Yeah, you know the grandparents’ generation and probably the generation before that and just the stuff that’s been passed down from generation to generation. There oftentimes is a lot of truth in it. I have a talk here Marilyn, I don’t know how long you’ve been following and stuff, but there’s a talk that said ‘I learned everything I had to learn in life in kindergarten,’ and I believe a saying like your grandma’s is probably in that book. Also Jim said, “So much to change, but willingness to overcome fear worked for me.” Yeah, and that’s the willingness. So he didn’t say yes to overcome fear, because it’s really hard to just say, “You know what, I’m just gonna transcend beyond my fear and I’m going to make changes in my life.” But become willing to it means I just open the door a little bit to go try something. And what did Miss Jess say? “I have had several people I was around when it was time for these and they all had to wait and watch this with me. Everyone likes you when it’s done though.” I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that’s a compliment for me with these that you’re talking about watching these, but long story short, thank you, I think. Not sure exactly if I’m supposed to thank you for that but thank you.

 

6. The next one. So this one’s important, my friends. You’ve got to listen to this one and it says that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. Now I’m going to say something here that I’m one person that doesn’t really separate between male or female. I believe we’re all human beings living the human experience. But there is something here that is a little bit skewed when it comes to the traditional upbringing of a man in society. I’m not saying that vulnerability is tough, it’s easier for females versus men or anything like that, but I always want to teach something. So let’s say a young girl and a young boy are playing off in some AYSO soccer and if the girl is playing and all of a sudden she falls down and if she gets emotional and cries and holds her knee, there might be a few people that might come up to her and tell her, “It’s okay, it’s okay,” and help her get up and just kind of sub her out of the game, and just be a little bit more patient and loving and caring with that young girl. But if a boy falls down, society has a different message. They say, “Get the heck back up. Boys don’t cry. Get up, put some dirt on your knees, you’re fine.” And in that moment, there’s a very subtle but important message that is taught to those children. For the girl it says, “hey, it’s okay when you’re hurt to show your emotions.” For the guy it says, “when you’re hurt you got to suck it up and go forward.” Now I understand that it could be a decent lesson in some way to teach on a field, I don’t know, but what does that lesson teach in this field of life? It teaches men that when they are sad, when they’re afraid, they are hurt, what do they have to do? They gotta suppress it. You can’t show your emotion. It’s a sign of weakness. That is the biggest BS line I’ve ever heard in my life. Because what happens is later on in life that man becomes 16 years old, 20 years old, 24 years old, 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, and they learned at a young age of five that men don’t cry, men don’t show their emotions. It’s a sign of weakness. So when they get scared in life, when they get sad in life, when they don’t know what they’re experiencing inside because of anxiety, or they’re terrified about life, they suppress it and they hold it in, they hold it in, they hold it in, and one day this explodes. Now the show Ted Lasso does something wonderful. It shows these men, these Alpha men, these professional athletes, what it’s like to be okay with expressing your emotions. This show breaks the stigma of mental health. By the way, they bring in a therapist that works with these guys and they’re allowed to process life events, stories, situations. It shows people how to work through panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Now the part that I just wanted to make sure that you know that I’m not separating the two, because if you’re a female watching this, male or female, but if you’re a female watching this and vulnerability is also hard for you, because at some point in your life you got hurt, at some point in your life you got taken advantage of, at some point in your life you potentially experienced some type of an abuse, and now you feel that if I open up to people if I put myself out there, if I’m vulnerable I’m going to get hurt, but I want to tell you this. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, whether you’re a female that experiences the inability to be vulnerable as a result of trauma and abuse, or you’re a male that also experienced that stuff but you also got the second hand label from society that you’re not allowed to show your emotions as a sign of weakness, that all of that is BS. And we have to transcend above that if we want to heal. Not all people are bad people. Not all people are untrustworthy. Not all people have your worst interest in their mind. There are good people out there. There are trustworthy people out there. There are people that you can open up to and be vulnerable and be safe. Find those people and experience what life with vulnerability is like. And then you have two versions of life. Version one, the one I can’t show my emotions to anybody because the world isn’t a safe place, or it’s a sign of weakness. Version two, it’s okay to show my emotions and to be vulnerable, and to be seen, to be heard, because I understand that’s the way I’m going to heal. Choice is up to you. Whatever you want to do, the choice is up to you, my friends. 

By the way, Eileen pretty much could teach these I think, at this point. When stuffing the emotions it sometimes explodes, not as sadness but it presents as intense anger. So Eileen, I think you’ve probably been exposed to something called the Anger Iceberg. And if you remember the movie Titanic, this massive boat’s going and they’re like, “Oh my God, there’s an iceberg,” and they hit the iceberg and then we know how the movie ends. But the tip of the iceberg is what the Titanic hit. The tip of the iceberg is the smallest part of the entire iceberg. Underneath the tip there is the actual mass of the iceberg that goes deep, potentially sometimes even miles under the water. So what happens with this anger is, anger is a secondary emotion, because it’s loud, because it’s intense, because it’s aggressive, is what is seen, the tip of the iceberg. But underneath anger there’s other secondary emotions like fear, frustration, agitation, annoyance. And underneath it all where the heaviest mass is actually sadness. When you look at all those guys and girls in prison with all the tattoos, and the angry ones and the ones that act out, you see their anger, but guess what? If you rewind the tape of their life back to when they were 12 or 10 or 6 or 4 years old, guess what’s the only emotion you’re gonna see? Extreme sadness, extreme sadness. So next time you judge an angry person and think that something’s wrong with them, have a little compassion and rewind the tape back and find out when that person was actually super sad. Anger is just an acting out. It’s just a form of behavior we do to cope with what’s inside.

 

7. The next one we got is to remember to tell the truth. This is a big theme of Ted Lasso but honesty is essential for building trust and credibility. A culture of honesty fosters accountability, mutual respect. It’s really important to be transparent and tell the truth. Sometimes we think if I tell the truth, what are they going to think? If I tell the truth how am I going to be perceived? If I tell the truth, are they going to judge me? See, what people do or don’t do when you do the right thing is none of your business. We tell the truth because telling the truth is what we often need to do to set ourselves free. Now if that truth comes with a little bit of judgment, if that truth comes with a little bit of talking about us in various ways, it’s none of your business. You tell the truth because you got to tell the truth. The truth will set you free. We’ve heard this thousands of times before but we’re so afraid of telling the truth because we’re afraid of the consequences that it might have. Primarily the consequence of judgment. But the more you tell the truth the easier it is to live an honest life. So tell the truth, tell the truth. Not just about the actions you take but tell the truth about your feelings. When someone asks you the following question, “hey, how are you doing today? How are you feeling today?” and you say, “I’m okay,” but if you’re actually dying inside in that moment you didn’t tell the truth. Maybe you didn’t lie directly, maybe you lied by omission but the moment you say, “I’m actually really struggling today, I’m full of fear, and I don’t know what to do,” in that moment you showed up and in that moment you have the possibility to access the possibility to change. But as long as you just suppress things and lie and omit and all that kind of stuff you’ll never truly transform. 

Let’s see what Jim said here. Well, oh hold on, Marilyn gave me a compliment again! I like this! “We are so blessed that Parham shares his wisdom.” I just like reading that for some reason. Jim, “When we live in lies it might take a while to learn how to be truthful.” 100% If someone’s been lying for years the expectation for them to tell the truth right off the get go is probably an unrealistic expectation, so we get this. In the field when we work with Jims and counselors you guys know, but we’re working with parents and the parent gets on the phone and says, “I don’t know why little Johnny still lies to us,” here’s the thing. If Little Johnny’s been lying to you his whole damn life the odds of him lying to you in early recovery is probably still pretty high. If you’re going to Vegas and you got a bet on it feel free to put the house down on that one, but the goal is for Johnny while working with the people like Jim and Parham and 12-step communities, and just working on themselves, is to realize that I gotta tell the truth for myself, not for my family. I got to be able to be a truthful, honest human being, because that’s what I have to do for my mental health, my recovery, and whatever my family thinks or doesn’t think it’s okay. And we don’t tell the truth for other people. I mean that’s ridiculous. We tell the truth for ourselves and hopefully other people benefit from that transformation, if that makes sense.

 

8. The next one that we learned from Mr Ted Lasso in his show is winning is an attitude. Success is not only achieving a specific outcome but also about cultivating a mindset of positivity, determination and resilience. So a lot of people want to succeed and they think that succeeding and winning are two in one, they’re the same thing, but it’s not. I’ve had some of the biggest successes in my life in moments of perceived failure. The biggest successes in my life, the biggest accomplishments in my life happen when the scoreboard said I was down and someone else was up. You want to know why? Because in that moment the attitude that I can take on, the attitude that I can choose, is that this experience helped me grow personally, professionally and develop resiliency. It developed a sense of strength that when the next time it comes around I can go in with a little bit more confidence, knowing and understanding all the lessons I learned from that previous experience. It’s all an attitude. An attitude is a straight choice – you can choose your attitude. So many people tell the little kids, “you have a bad attitude.” I guarantee you, that kid learned it from somewhere. Very seldom, and I’m not going to say never, because there’s always the outliers out there. Very seldom does a child come up in a family system with a bad attitude when all the parents around them have really good attitudes. What do you think a child with bad attitude is learning that experience from? You think it just naturally comes from themselves? It’s because whatever the heck the environment is modeling for them, they’re just downloading it. Anytime a parent tells, “Okay, you have such a bad attitude,” I wish I had an hour with that Mom or Dad to point out the same thing to them, “You got a bad attitude.” Because I have a feeling that it exists there. So attitude’s a choice and winning is an attitude. Winning has nothing to do with the score at the end. It has to do with the attitude that you choose when you go about it. And winning is to remain focused on the bigger picture even when faced with setbacks. Always remember that please. 

And what do we got here? “To tell the truth it allows us not to carry so much baggage.” 100% If you gotta you don’t really gotta remember much. If you tell the truth right for the most part, I mean some of us get shot up, memories and this and that, but for the most part if you tell the truth you don’t really gotta remember anything. 

 

9. So the next one we have here is, optimists do more. So a positive outlook just provides so much abundance and so much resources and so much access to resources in life. I think the difference between experiencing life in a way that’s fulfilling, in a way that feels defeating, is the outlook we choose. The optimists versus the pessimists. Whenever someone comes into session and they’re dumping all the negative I say, “hey, we’re going to address all that stuff. I’ll make sure we address all of the 12 negative things in your life that are happening right now. But before we do so, can we please focus on identifying just a few of the good ones?” And at first they’re like, “Well, nothing is good in my life.” I’m like, “Alright, well if that’s the way you feel then I have a lot of compassion and empathy for that, because that’s just a painful existence.” But over time when that person keeps coming back and they start to identify the good and learn what it means to identify the good it just starts to create some type of balance. Because my friends, life isn’t always good or bad. All these negative things in your life that are happening are happening but there are beautiful things in your life that are happening too. And it’s always a gift of perspective. If the roof is over your head, if the food is in your fridge, if the clothes are in your closet, if you have some support around you, you have a job that you can go to, you have a body that is able, that can function. If you’re not living behind bars like caged animals, if you’re not living like a street creature, if you don’t know where your next meal is coming from, if you don’t know how you’re going to be able to survive in this world. Look at those two life experiences. But for whatever reason we lose perspective and we think that when we’re having some bad life experiences that everything’s messed up. No it’s not. Zoom back, step out, look at the whole 360. It’s your responsibility to choose your perspective. It’s your responsibility to not look at life through such a narrow lens, and look at it as the total big picture of your life. And I can’t do that for you, nobody really can. It’s just a conscious choice.

 

10. The next one is stay teachable. Embrace the concept of lifelong learning. Please please please please please please never become an expert in anything. Always be willing to have a student mind, always be willing to have an open mind, always remain teachable even in areas that you think you are an expert. I mean, how cliche is it that all of the scientists and all of the scholarly people and all of the smartest people in the world used to think that this whole globe, this round planet was flat, and everyone believes it. So don’t think that just because you know something right now that there’s no new knowledge, information, value that could be added to your current resource, your current list of information. I always stay teachable, I always stay coachable. I do my best to stay open-minded because I know for a fact that the second I think that I know it all is the second that I stopped gaining the momentum to be able to continuously develop and grow and to become a more evolved version of myself, to become better one percent every day. Because if you think you’re perfect there’s no room to grow.

Oh Jake, what’s up bro? Let me see what Jake said here. “Glad to see your videos pop up on my feed. It gives me a little boost to remind myself to stay humble, so grateful for today and for learning some lessons from you and Cali and I still do.” Hey thanks man, it makes me happy to hear, to see your name. I remember you vividly and proud of you and your life journey. Keep grinding man! Anytime, you’re always welcome!

 

11. And the next two more, real quick. This is my favorite one of the talk. So it says to be a goldfish. If you’ve never seen Ted Lasso you’re probably wondering what the heck am I talking about, but he tells one of his players that you gotta be a goldfish and here’s why. Because goldfish have a very short memory span, very short memories. Whatever happened in their recent past they forget about it. But what do human beings do? We do the exact opposite. Something happened five years ago, a year ago, three months ago, two weeks ago, if it’s something that we have some guilt around, if it’s something we have some shame around, what do we do? We dwell on it, and we think about it, we ruminate on it, and what does that do? It disempowers you, it takes away your energy, it takes away your creativity, it takes away your vitality, it takes away so much of your abilities in life. So my friends, you gotta be a goldfish. You got to be able to say, “You know what? It happened. What can I do to prevent it from happening again?” And you gotta forget it and move on. Don’t get me wrong. You have to learn the lessons of the past in order to not repeat them in the future, but once you learn the lesson you gotta let it go. So be a goldfish. And if you have a hard time remembering that one just put a goldfish somewhere in your vicinity, put a little picture of a goldfish, just be a goldfish. Especially if you are in recovery and there are some dark days of your past that you’re having a hard time with, the only thing you can do is to be a goldfish and forget it.

 

12. And the very last one that we have is that happiness is a choice. I know some people don’t believe that because what we do as human beings is we measure our happiness based on our circumstances. I am aware enough to know that our circumstances do influence our levels of happiness, so when your circumstances are good it’s easier to be happy in that, but what if I told you that your happiness is a choice irregardless of your circumstances? The best lesson in that, if you ever want to understand what that really means, go purchase either the book or the audiobook of a Man’s Search for Meaning. You will find out how somebody despite circumstances, which is concentration camps in World War II, was able to find peace and find some serenity despite those circumstances. That’s like the most extreme version that one day I don’t know I hope to God I’ll be able to achieve and I don’t think I ever probably could, but if that’s the goal and it’s possible because someone wrote that book while experiencing that, it gives a lot of hope for people like me, when my circumstances aren’t that bad. If I can’t find happiness in it, it has nothing to do with my circumstances. It has to do with me.

 

So all that being said, yeah that’s a good one too: “Happiness is fleeting but peace and serenity can be with you daily.” So peace and serenity is what we’re looking for. Happiness is good, don’t get me wrong. I hope you all experience moments of happiness and joy, I really do, but I really hope you experience peace and serenity because that’s the good stuff, that’s really the good stuff. Ryan Steven, by the way, this is a good one right here. Ryan is 16 months sober, shout out to him! But for anybody that questions my belief of the possibility of human transformation this is a wonderful human being and a very beautiful testimony of that. Kenny from Pacific Sands:
“There’s also great documentary on Prime called Happy.” Yeah, I definitely recommend the documentary ‘Happy’. I use it often times in my teachings and stuff like that. Eileen, you’re very welcome! Everybody else, thank you for your participation! Feel free to share this so if you go on YouTube or Facebook, you can just hit the share button. That’d be kind of cool and just get some people that might not be watching this to watch it and let’s just spread the word and let’s continue to build this community. I’m committed to you each and every single week. I love and appreciate all of you. And I’ll see you back same time, same place, with a new talk. And the channel is, Jake, it’s Buckeye recovery Network. I’ll just type it and that’s also Facebook and YouTube, so yeah, check it out. You’ll see my videos pretty much just my face on there for three years in a row, wearing the same black T-shirt, so it’s not the most aesthetic YouTube page but the content is good and hopefully maybe one day I’ll change my shirt. But love and appreciate you guys so much, and thank you for letting me be a part of your world for a little bit today. I’m glad I was able to be a part of your world. So have a good one, guys!

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Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Today is going to be the best day of your life.

Kelsey Gearhart

Director of Business Development

Kelsey carries multiple years of experience working in the substance abuse and mental health treatment field. Her passion for this field comes from her personally knowing recovery from addiction.

Prior to Buckeye she held titles of Recovery Coach, Operations Director, and Admissions Director. Kelsey was brought on at Buckeye Recovery as the Director of Business Development. She has a passion for ensuring every individual gets the help that they need, and does so by developing relationships with other providers.

Kelsey also oversees our women’s sober living environments – The Chadwick House for Women. She is committed to creating a safe, nurturing, and conducive environment for all women that walk through the doors of Chadwick.