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You Probably Don’t Know These 5 Signs of Broken Boundaries

We are going over some signs that your boundaries are weak or even broken. And a majority of you will be able to identify whether in the past you’ve done this, you are currently doing this, and then you got to decide if this is what you want to continue doing. So the following are signs that you got to watch for, to know that you have weak or broken boundaries. 

You cannot change your future unless you set boundaries. Because if you don’t, the past leads into the future and there you are again. Some of you have been there for a very very long time repeating the past over and over again, thinking that it’s because of someone else. If I tell you my friends, that you have the sole ability to transform your future by setting boundaries, you might say that I’m out of my mind, but I’ll tell you this. It’s the only way we do because what if that person that you’re not setting boundaries with never changes? That means your future will never change. Now it’s up to you. Do you want your future to look different than your past? If the answer is yes, gain the courage to set boundaries and see what happens.

1. You are taken advantage of, or stolen from

So if you’ve had loved ones in your life that have stolen from you it’s probably a safe sign to say that your boundaries are weak or broken. Whenever I do this talk, sometimes people that struggle with addictions get on this weird moral high ground. And what I mean by that is this. They’ll be like, “Yeah but you know I’m not one of those kind of guys. I mean I love my family. I would never steal from them. I’ve never taken one thing from the house.” They get off on the fact that they’ve never stolen a material item from somebody and then I always stop them in their tracks and say, “Yo, have you ever stolen someone’s trust? Have you ever stolen sleep from somebody? Have you ever stolen somebody’s heart?” And they’re like, “Well, I mean yeah, but I never stole anything.” I’m like, “Bro, the trust is priceless, sleep is priceless. Yeah you can go take a piece of jewelry and pawn it for a thousand dollars and do some drugs for a couple days, but when you steal the other stuff…” And some of them get it and some of them don’t. It’s sad, but if you’ve allowed somebody to steal from you constantly over and over again, it’s a sign that the boundaries are weak or broken.

2. You walk on eggshells to avoid conflict

This one happens all the time. Parents are actually usually scared to set boundaries because they’re worried of someone’s reaction, that they’re going to get mad. Okay, what do you mean by that? So they’re going to get mad, fair enough. So if you tell them they can’t do this or they’re not welcome back here, they’re going to get mad. How many times have you gotten mad for them doing something to you? Thousands of times. But that’s okay you don’t matter as much as long as they don’t get mad. Some people need to get mad, some people need to get their feelings hurt, it’s okay. How many times have your feelings got hurt in your life? And why are you trying to protect your kid from getting their feelings hurt, or protect them from getting mad? Because you’re afraid of the emotional reaction and the potential things that they will or won’t do. But here’s the thing. Even without the boundaries and even without setting it, don’t they do those things anyways? At least if one person’s got to be protected here, protect yourself. By the way, by doing so, you actually start to help them. 

3. We Carry the People who are Capable of Walking

“We [ __ ] people who are capable of walking because we choose to carry them.” 

We really really do, and the sad part is, it’s not just anybody. It’s people who are capable of walking. If there’s someone that literally or legitimately can’t do something and you got to carry that person that’s okay. Sometimes people need that. But if it’s someone, for example, if I fall down and just shatter my femur in my leg or my knee and I can’t walk and someone comes and grabs me and picks me up and helps me walk, that’s okay. But if I’m a body and nothing’s wrong with me and I’m not injured and I can walk and someone chooses to carry me that person that’s making that choice has to also accept that they’re choosing to [ __ ] that person. Now this happens usually unconsciously. It’s not a casual thought. It’s not like something you go into intentionally – you’re doing it with good intentions. You’re doing it because you love them. You’re doing it because you care. But I’m telling you, the sooner you allow people to walk who are capable of walking, the sooner they will be able to walk, they will be able to jog, they will be able to run, they will be able to fly. Stop carrying people. I’m not saying stop caring about people. I’m saying stop carrying people. Let them walk. You might say, “but they don’t know how to walk.” Well, let them crawl, let them just sit on their butt and scooch inch by inch forward into life. Stop carrying them. And the sad part is, a lot of you have developed this role of the caretaker. You got to really look at that role. You didn’t start with your loved one’s addiction by the way. It started when you were a little person and you just continue to manifest and recreate it.

4. Stop Asking Why they keep doing it and Start Asking why I keep Allowing it

Stop asking why they keep doing it and start asking why I keep allowing it. Anytime someone’s boundaries get violated say, “Why did you do this? How could you do this? Why do you keep doing this to us? Why, why, why, why, why?” Stop it. Turn the freaking turn it backward this way. Don’t worry about what they did or didn’t do, and say, “Why do I keep allowing it to happen?” I know, low self-esteem, fear, uncertainty, worry, I get it. But if you know those things then just realize it’s not about them. When someone does something to you over and over and over again, or someone does something over and over again, you got to make a choice at some point. And by the way, when you ask somebody why they keep doing something, what do they say? “I don’t know. I don’t know, it’s just what I do, alright?” Well, if that’s the best response they have then just start looking at your part, because obviously they’re not looking at theirs. Do your work because obviously they’re not doing theirs. How long do you want to wait for someone to get it before you can say okay, now I can set a boundary? Because they’re good. Setting boundaries when you don’t need to set boundaries is like the easiest thing in the world to do because they’re not crossing them anymore anyways. Setting boundaries when you’re in the midst of it, that’s where the magic happens. 

5. “No is a complete sentence”

A lot of codependents have a hard time saying No in life, and it’s not because they’re weak, or it’s not because they’re bad, or they don’t have any backbone to them. No, it’s none of that stuff. It’s because at some point in your life when you were growing up, your environment was such that you couldn’t really say No. You may have come from a dysfunctional home, you may have had some specific things happening in the house, like you were caretaking for other siblings, or you were caretaking for an adult parent that was struggling with alcoholism or depression, or you were moving a lot to different places. You just couldn’t say no and so it becomes like this identity. And now that you have your own life and you got your own experience you still can’t say No. But it’s something you really got to learn at some point. Whenever I tell people to say No they just say, “Well if I say No to them they’re going to think I don’t care.” Who says that? Saying No to someone equals not caring? It’s something you’re coming up with. If I say no to them they’re going to think I’m a bad friend. Who says saying No to somebody equals being a bad friend? Why can’t saying No just mean saying No? “Well, they’re going to judge me, or they’re going to think I’m a bad person.” Maybe that’s how you feel when other people say No to you. Why are you projecting it onto the world? And if they do believe that, they’re probably not the best friend or the best person. Are you ready to accept that? Remember, because if someone throws a fit for you setting a boundary it’s that much more evidence that the boundary is needed. If someone throws a fit for you saying No probably that much more reason why you got to say No. Most parents usually feel a significant amount of blame or shame or guilt if they say No. They feel like they’re bad parents. Again, who says saying No equals being a bad parent? They also think that if they say No then the loved one’s not going to love them as much. Well, if love was conditional based on Yes or No responses then we would be really royally screwed in this thing called life, and you just got to build that psychological emotional muscle to say No.

Call Buckeye Recovery Today!

Are you in recovery but not making progress? Recovery is not only possible but attainable, and it all begins with reaching out for assistance. By addressing both addiction and mental health issues, individuals can break free from the cycle of despair and embark on a path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Contact Buckeye Recovery Network today and initiate your journey to recovery and improved mental health. Our dedicated team of professionals is here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Today is going to be the best day of your life.

Kelsey Gearhart

Director of Business Development

Kelsey carries multiple years of experience working in the substance abuse and mental health treatment field. Her passion for this field comes from her personally knowing recovery from addiction.

Prior to Buckeye she held titles of Recovery Coach, Operations Director, and Admissions Director. Kelsey was brought on at Buckeye Recovery as the Director of Business Development. She has a passion for ensuring every individual gets the help that they need, and does so by developing relationships with other providers.

Kelsey also oversees our women’s sober living environments – The Chadwick House for Women. She is committed to creating a safe, nurturing, and conducive environment for all women that walk through the doors of Chadwick.